Any guy here who is actually close to his father ?
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I am close to my father.. it is more like the cultural things.. Families are really close in Pakistan including siblings, parents and even uncles and aunts.. When I was 12, my father beat me really hard due to studies but this did not effected our relationship as i told you it is more likely cultural thing..
I cant even think to live without my parents.. :hug2: But yes, i am also not out as gay and this could be change our relationship, so i prefer to hide my sexuality to make mine and their life easy .. lolz
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I tend to avoid realating to my father, he always knew he had a gay son and used to punish me in severeal silly ways, just because he could not accept the fact.
I was forbidden playing with dolls (even Saint Seiya ones which i'm addicted to, i'm not referring to Barbies), or picking up female characters on video-games, i couldn't even wear all-star shoes (can you imagine?) all-stars inside his tiny mind was a gay shoe, i was forbidden practicing tenis at our usual club just because he heard that 2 tenis players were having an affair (which i had no clue, but after i came to find out it was true HAHAHA they were f*cking hot), so tenis suddenly became a gay sport and more… Unfortunately :-[
[/quote]To be fair, tennis is pretty gay. ;D No, I'm just trying to insert some humor into the discussion. That sounds like a very miserable upbringing in all seriousness. I am sorry.
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I tend to avoid realating to my father, he always knew he had a gay son and used to punish me in severeal silly ways, just because he could not accept the fact.
I was forbidden playing with dolls (even Saint Seiya ones which i'm addicted to, i'm not referring to Barbies), or picking up female characters on video-games, i couldn't even wear all-star shoes (can you imagine?) all-stars inside his tiny mind was a gay shoe, i was forbidden practicing tenis at our usual club just because he heard that 2 tenis players were having an affair (which i had no clue, but after i came to find out it was true HAHAHA they were f*cking hot), so tenis suddenly became a gay sport and more… Unfortunately :-[
[/quote]To be fair, tennis is pretty gay. ;D No, I'm just trying to insert some humor into the discussion. That sounds like a very miserable upbringing in all seriousness. I am sorry.
HAHAHA i was always feeling myself wearing that tiny pair of shorts, and feeling it. Don't be sorry, i've had overcome all of that, i'm pretty well resolved on the father matter
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My dad died before he found about about me. We're distant so I wouldn't have told him anyway. But my mom knew.
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My Dad was real tough when I was a kid, but I think to understand your parents you have to understand your grandparents. People were raised tough back then, not like the (some) pussies today. My grandfather was in WWI when he was just 14. My Father was in Vietnam so any "toughness" I experienced was nothing compared to what these men went through. Talking with the straight guys at work and they were all afraid of their fathers too. When I came out at 22, my Father said, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Don't you love me?" I replied, "Some Fathers disown their sons when they find out" To which my Father said, "What kind of a man would do that to his son?" I was really surprised. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of camping with my Father. So I invited my father to go camping at a gay campground I was going to and he had a good time and liked all my friends! You know how your Father may tell you things and you think, that's not how it is he's just being old fashioned or ignorant? I consider myself lucky to have been able to tell him was right about almost everything (before he died) He was probably right about everything, I just don't know it yet. After all, seldom does a young man see the world from the same eyes as an older man.
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Close?
Me..Him?
Fuck no!
I’m assuming the “where” was Japan, and I’m not exactly sure of when they got married, other than before1960, when I was born; and if I had to guess, I’d say some time in 1959–almost certain if it was in 1958, it would’ve been late ’58.
Since he was in the military, I think even that brief time together before me had him overseas for most of it, stationed in Germany and Korea, I think. I remember my mom telling me he suffered a gunshot wound while in Germany. He claimed it was self-inflicted, having accidentally discharged his weapon while cleaning it. (My mom said it probably was a “girlfriend” who really shot him.)
My mom left Japan for the first time in her life, headed stateside in early 1960. He was overseas, and with me on-board, she may not have been alone, but without a doubt she was on her own.
Fortunately, her first place in her new country was ideal. She was taken in by her eldest sister–the first of her 7 siblings (3 younger sisters, and 3 older brothers) to come to the states…my mom being the second.
My aunt lived in Honolulu, Hawaii, and that’s where I was born. She had 2 sons and a daughter, and she too was married to a serviceman who, at the time, was also serving overseas!
I always found it interesting that, aside from the 3 brothers marrying Japanese women and remaining in Japan, all 5 girls eventually came to the U.S. and married outside of their race; and talk about personal preference and individual taste…one (my mom) went Black, one– Chinese, one--Portuguese, the other 2--White (and 3, in addition to my mom, married military guys!).
The timing and situation that put her in Hawaii at that exact moment in her life (and my “life” as well, it would turn out) really couldn’t have been better for us for a number of reasons…
1. A stranger in a new and foreign country and not only was there a “familiar face” to help her transition–it’s her big sister–who happens to live in…
2. Hawaii (I’m sure there are worse places!)
3. (Regarding me…) It turns out my aunt immediately saw something was not right the moment she laid eyes on my mom when she arrived. A visit to the doctor confirmed, and this "something" required frequent doctor visits for the remainder of the pregnancy.
4. Kuakini Hospital (private medical facility in Honolulu), instead of the “army hospital” (on “base”). Whether the issue with my mom had to do with the availability of a bed or the service she required, the military hospital referred her to Kuakini Hospital (and covered all of the charges!).
My mom dumped my father by the time I was 4, and even before then, I can only recall actually seeing him just a few times, and remember only a couple of short stretches where he was physically there.
A “deadbeat dad” from the start, gambling was near the top of his skewed list of priorities. A loser at that as well, pawn shops probably had more of our personal belongings than we did! Family was low on the list–if it was on it at all.
He actually had us homeless for a brief period. While he was out there doing whatever the fuck he was doing, help from the Red Cross had my mom, sister, and me sleeping in the one bed in what my mom referred to as "shabby"--hotel room in downtown in Seattle, Washington.
After the divorce--like a deadbeat dad--“child support” could not be counted on. There was only one brief period where benefits were received, and that was while he was married to--I think wife #4--and that was because she was the one who actually assumed the responsibility. Once they got divorced, the payments stopped.
In all fairness, in spite of his shortcomings, and very meaningful to me--his being a military veteran and my father not only covered my tuition at the University of California, at Berkeley, but also provided me with a steady income throughout my college years--none of which would’ve been possible without him…and his death.
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I am close to my dad and he was supportive of me when I came out, I feel so lucky and blessed!
Right on.
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_Although I'm closer to my mother, my dad and I get along well when he was still alive. Even when I was younger, he knew I am gay and it's not an issue with him but my mischievousness was
I used to bring my gay highschool friends (then later my college friends) in my house during weekends and it's fine by him._
Cool.
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I was really close to my Dad right up until he passed. We had a very good relationship…
Nice.
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Hello Everyone! First time poster here….
This subject resonates deeply with me because my relationship with my father is the cornerstone of the degree of wisdom I've gained in this lifetime. Well, that's because I've survived my relationship with him, and was able to gain some understanding of how forgiveness is essential to forming a healthy gay subjectivity.
My father passed away recently. He was a fundamentalist christian, and a very cruel man. Some of my first memories are of him molesting me as a child, and later on hating me for being gay. I recalll the beatings like they were yesterday. But I know now that you can forgive people because they don't know any better, but that does not mean that you have to let them continue to hurt you. To this day I don't tolerate religious fundamentalism in my life. My rule is that if you subscribe to a system of belief that discriminates and advocates violence toward me, you are out of my life.
I did not bother to see him before he died, nor did I attend his funeral, because not only was he viciously homophobic, but so was the rest of his family. So my "shocking and outrageous" decision not to participate in his funeral has had the added bonus of ensuring that the rest of his family will now stop trying to contact me.
I once heard Dan Savage say on his amazing podcast that we gay people need to start making the homophobes fear losing us by being prepared to delete them from our lives when they don't add anything positive to our lives. I totally agree with this. But the pre-requisite for this is for each of us to consciously recognise that what a precious gift being gay is. Once we free ourselves from the prison of buying into the idea that we lack something that heterosexuals have, then we can recognise how truly amazing being a gay man is.
So I grew up despising my father, and he really really deserved it, he died weeping in regret for what he'd done to me, but he was never man enough to ever seek to heal our relationship.
What I have also learned from this relationship is that in this life, nobody knows us more intimately than our victims. They are the ones who know the darkness in our souls. And nobody has more power over you than the one you have hurt the most.
What must it have been like for him to look at me as I grew up, knowing what he was doing to me every night and then seeing me as a grown man, never knowing when I would fight back? And, believe me, when I finally fought back in order to protect my younger sister from him, it was epic - as though I was possessed by an avenging angel or something. But the main lesson I learned from my relationship with him is not only how necessary (and difficult, though worth the effort) it is for us to learn to love ourselves enough to defend ourselves from weak bullying heterosexuals, but also how much more amazing we become as gay men when we love ourselves.
The scary question is - would I love and respect myself as much if I hadn't had such a difficult relationship with him??????
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The scary question is - would I love and respect myself as much if I hadn't had such a difficult relationship with him??????
Thanks for sharing your story with us and I'm glad you're in a good place now
about your question I do believe the more you survive tough times the more you respect yourself -
it's weird that a lot of gay guys i know are not close to their fathers (or are closer to their mothers). same thing with me. i mean, i would change it if i could and be closer and nicer to him but we're like polar opposites in our convictions but similar in our attitudes, like we're both stubborn and unyielding.
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Being gay is both biologically and environmentally predisposed. So both your anatomy and your surroundings contribute. It has been noted that in gays a part of the preoptic nucleus of the hypothalamus (a part of your 'brain') is bigger than in straight fellas.
My dad was always very absent, so I was always closer to my mom. I liked playing with dolls and hanged out with mostly girls, so my dad, being from the military, was always very passively reproachful towards me. I came out this year - I'm 23 y.o. - and my dad threatened to kill me, said I should start eating with plastic dishes so that I didn't spread any diseases to the rest of the family (he gave me oral herpes when I was like 3, so lol). So yeah, I hate him ofc.
My boyfriend's dad is, on the other hand, his best friend. They go on trips together, watch movies etc.
To each his own, but there's definitely a pattern.
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I was very close to my father. We had similar interests and shared them. Once he knew I was gay, it took him a while to accept it, but both he and my mother did. I loved him very much.
He died without any warning on Christmas Eve 2001. I had spoken to him the day before on the phone of what my mom and he were going to be doing; they were to have travelled after the holiday. Things in my life started to go very bad for me after his death – and I have only just started to recover this year.
I no longer can enjoy Christmas and I have come to loath the time between the USA Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve. I do my best to avoid anything related to these holidays, but since they saturate American culture it is extremely difficult to do.
I developed chronic depression and panic disorders several years before my Dad died, so the entire month of December is basically a misery to me.
. . .
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I was very close to my father. We had similar interests and shared them. Once he knew I was gay, it took him a while to accept it, but both he and my mother did. I loved him very much.
He died without any warning on Christmas Eve 2001. I had spoken to him the day before on the phone of what my mom and he were going to be doing; they were to have travelled after the holiday. Things in my life started to go very bad for me after his death – and I have only just started to recover this year.
I no longer can enjoy Christmas and I have come to loath the time between the USA Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve. I do my best to avoid anything related to these holidays, but since they saturate American culture it is extremely difficult to do.
I developed chronic depression and panic disorders several years before my Dad died, so the entire month of December is basically a misery to me.
. . .
Very moving…I'm sorry to know how this time of year affects you, but still wish you the best in getting through it.
Take care.
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I can't say I was never close to my dad. Seems like I was on my own path and for some reason we never saw each other.
Not that he didn't try but I was way too rebellious to let that happen.
I eventually became closer to my mother.
But when my mother got sick with cancer I had to go spend some time with my dad (a few months) before she passed away.
We had a lot of time to spend and we got to know each other. I realise I never really knew him.
The reason we butt heads was because we were both a lot alike.
It's been about 2 1/2 years since my mother has passed and we talk on the phone every day.
We've become super close and for an old guy he's a great guy.
I love my dad :love: -
I can't say I was never close to my dad. Seems like I was on my own path and for some reason we never saw each other.
Not that he didn't try but I was way too rebellious to let that happen.
I eventually became closer to my mother.
But when my mother got sick with cancer I had to go spend some time with my dad (a few months) before she passed away.
We had a lot of time to spend and we got to know each other. I realise I never really knew him.
The reason we butt heads was because we were both a lot alike.
It's been about 2 1/2 years since my mother has passed and we talk on the phone every day.
We've become super close and for an old guy he's a great guy.
I love my dad :love:
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I have a close and good relationship with my father.
It is funny in a way though, he is very conservative and makes rude comments about gays all the time, though he apologizes to me and my boyfriend saying that we aren't like those others.
His wife, not my mom, always hits him when he makes the comments.
He has always been supportive and loving to me and mine.I guess it depends on both parties not just one side.
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well my father is technically still alive although I can't wait for him to die though the old b**** is 70, rich and can't seem to die soon like my grand father who is around 90, smoked and drank all his life and was never sick. I wouldn't like to die before this guy. My mom died when I was like 15 and he hated her. she died because of him. When I was like 23 I already wasn't talking to him for years ( I left home at 17 for college) he wrote me a letter on my birthday to tell me that well I'm not his son anymore and that's it. I never prosecuted him for making him to pay for my food and stuff because I thought my mom wouldn't like that. But I regret. I couldn't eat every day while he was getting around 15 000 euros/month . When he'll die I wont get a dime because he disowned me. Still earth will be a better place without him.
For some life's not a joy ride. trust me ;D
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