One time we were talking about some of his old parishes and the congregations, and I asked him out of all those years, and all those parishioners and their issues, what stuck out most for him, what was the most important role he performed? Without hesitating, without having to think about the answer, he looked me straight in the eye, and said "Being a father to my boys; raising my sons."

When I came out, at first he thought I was playing a joke, or going through a phase that would pass, but finally he said, "I don't understand it myself, but it doesn't matter; you're my son and I have always loved you, I love you now and I always will." And that was that. A year or two before he died, I asked him what he thought about same-sex marriage, and he answered honestly: he didn't know; he'd have to give it some thought, it was a new idea and he had never had to consider it (he was already retired by this time). But he took the marriage vows seriously - in his mind, he was joining two people together spiritually and forever, as the marriage vows state, and that this union was approved by God. Dad's role was merely to see it carried out. He would not perform a marriage ceremony unless the couple first agreed to and completed 8 weeks of pre-marital counseling with him. Two of these sessions would take place in his office, at our house, and we always knew when that was happening... "someone from the church is here" which meant no bothering Dad if his office door was closed. Now, we were a family with 5 rambunctious boys - loud, competitive, fighting as often as playing. Why would Dad require two of these pre-marital counseling sessions at the house? We didn't know this then, but he wanted to see the couples' reactions to the noise of children doing what children do - play, fight, squabble, run around, make noise... act like children. He wanted to see how they'd react. He took this part of being a minister with all seriousness.

After his funeral, I was standing near the door to the chapel, it was snowing outside, but one of the attendees came back from his car and talked to me at the door. He was one of Dad's caretakers in the last few weeks before he died. He asked me if I was one of his sons, and which one, so I told him. He said the most amazing thing - "your Dad said you asked him a question once about getting married and he didn't have an answer back then. But he said to me that he had thought it all over, and that you should know, he was fine with it, he didn't see any reason not to perform a marriage for anybody - as long as he could be sure the couple was taking the vow seriously, it didn't matter to him what sex or gender they were."

I cannot tell you what it felt like to hear that, and in those circumstances. But that was my Dad. Yes, I miss him, terribly.

His wife keeps him in line occasionally; we we're in Vina del mar, Chile and he saw a group of gay guys and made a bad comment, his wife hit him hard and said be respectful of your son. He commented that his son was okay he just didn't care for other people being gay.

I accept him as he accepts me.

well  my father is technically still alive although I can't wait for him to die though the old b**** is 70, rich and can't seem to die soon like my grand father who is around 90, smoked and drank all his life and was never sick. I wouldn't like to die before this guy. My mom died when I was like 15 and he hated her. she died because of him. When I was like 23  I already wasn't talking to him for years ( I left home at 17 for college) he wrote me a letter on my birthday to tell me that well I'm not his son anymore and that's it. I never prosecuted him for making him to pay for my food and stuff because I thought my mom wouldn't like that. But I regret. I couldn't eat every day while he was getting around 15 000 euros/month . When he'll die I wont get a dime because he disowned me. Still earth will be a better place without him.
For some life's not a joy ride. trust me  ;D

Mine is 70 too and still have energy to bitch about me all the time! I'm pretty sure mom will die first and he'll be around for decades. always the fuckers stick around  ::)

I guess it depends on both parties not just one side.

I can't say I was never close to my dad. Seems like I was on my own path and for some reason we never saw each other.
Not that he didn't try but I was way too rebellious to let that happen.
I eventually became closer to my mother.
But when my mother got sick with cancer I had to go spend some time with my dad (a few months) before she passed away.
We had a lot of time to spend and we got to know each other. I realise I never really knew him.
The reason we butt heads was because we were both a lot alike.
It's been about 2 1/2 years since my mother has passed and we talk on the phone every day.
We've become super close and for an old guy he's a great guy.
I love my dad  :love:

I was very close to my father.  We had similar interests and shared them.  Once he knew I was gay, it took him a while to accept it, but both he and my mother did.  I loved him very much.

He died without any warning on Christmas Eve 2001.  I had spoken to him the day before on the phone of what my mom and he were going to be doing; they were to have travelled after the holiday.  Things in my life started to go very bad for me after his death – and I have only just started to recover this year.

I no longer can enjoy Christmas and I have come to loath the time between the USA Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve.  I do my best to avoid anything related to these holidays, but since they saturate American culture it is extremely difficult to do.

I developed chronic depression and panic disorders several years before my Dad died, so the entire month of December is basically a misery to me.

. . .

Very moving…I'm sorry to know how this time of year affects you, but still wish you the best in getting through it.

Take care.

He died without any warning on Christmas Eve 2001.  I had spoken to him the day before on the phone of what my mom and he were going to be doing; they were to have travelled after the holiday.  Things in my life started to go very bad for me after his death – and I have only just started to recover this year.

I no longer can enjoy Christmas and I have come to loath the time between the USA Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve.  I do my best to avoid anything related to these holidays, but since they saturate American culture it is extremely difficult to do.

I developed chronic depression and panic disorders several years before my Dad died, so the entire month of December is basically a misery to me.

. . .

My dad was always very absent, so I was always closer to my mom. I liked playing with dolls and hanged out with mostly girls, so my dad, being from the military, was always very passively reproachful towards me. I came out this year - I'm 23 y.o. - and my dad threatened to kill me, said I should start eating with plastic dishes so that I didn't spread any diseases to the rest of the family (he gave me oral herpes when I was like 3, so lol). So yeah, I hate him ofc.

My boyfriend's dad is, on the other hand, his best friend. They go on trips together, watch movies etc.

To each his own, but there's definitely a pattern.

The scary question is - would I love and respect myself as much if I hadn't had such a difficult relationship with him??????

Thanks for sharing your story with us and I'm glad you're in a good place now
about your question I do believe the more you survive tough times the more you respect yourself

This subject resonates deeply with me because my relationship with my father is the cornerstone of the degree of wisdom I've gained in this lifetime. Well, that's because I've survived my relationship with him, and was able to gain some understanding of how forgiveness is essential to forming a healthy gay subjectivity.

My father passed away recently. He was a fundamentalist christian, and a very cruel man. Some of my first memories are of him molesting me as a child, and later on hating me for being gay. I recalll the beatings like they were yesterday. But I know now that you can forgive people because they don't know any better, but that does not mean that you have to let them continue to hurt you. To this day I don't tolerate religious fundamentalism in my life. My rule is that if you subscribe to a system of belief that discriminates and advocates violence toward me, you are out of my life.

I did not bother to see him before he died, nor did I attend his funeral, because not only was he viciously homophobic, but so was the rest of his family. So my "shocking and outrageous" decision not to participate in his funeral has had the added bonus of ensuring that the rest of his family will now stop trying to contact me.

I once heard Dan Savage say on his amazing podcast that we gay people need to start making the homophobes fear losing us by being prepared to delete them from our lives when they don't add anything positive to our lives. I totally agree with this. But the pre-requisite for this is for each of us to consciously recognise that what a precious gift being gay is. Once we free ourselves from the prison of buying into the idea that we lack something that heterosexuals have, then we can recognise how truly amazing being a gay man is.

So I grew up despising my father, and he really really deserved it, he died weeping in regret for what he'd done to me, but he was never man enough to ever seek to heal our relationship.

What I have also learned from this relationship is that in this life, nobody knows us more intimately than our victims. They are the ones who know the darkness in our souls. And nobody has more power over you than the one you have hurt the most.

What must it have been like for him to look at me as I grew up, knowing what he was doing to me every night and then seeing me as a grown man, never knowing when I would fight back? And, believe me, when I finally fought back in order to protect my younger sister from him, it was epic - as though I was possessed by an avenging angel or something. But the main lesson I learned from my relationship with him is not only how necessary (and difficult, though worth the effort) it is for us to learn to love ourselves enough to defend ourselves from weak bullying heterosexuals, but also how much more amazing we become as gay men when we love ourselves.

The scary question is - would I love and respect myself as much if I hadn't had such a difficult relationship with him??????

I was really close to my Dad right up until he passed. We had a very good relationship…

Nice.