Any guy here who is actually close to his father ?
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_Although I'm closer to my mother, my dad and I get along well when he was still alive. Even when I was younger, he knew I am gay and it's not an issue with him but my mischievousness was
I used to bring my gay highschool friends (then later my college friends) in my house during weekends and it's fine by him._
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I was really close to my Dad right up until he passed. We had a very good relationship, he would be critical of guys I dated, especially if they didn't like fishing (his favourite pass time).
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Me and my Dad never really looked eye to eye from a very young age. We have always been distant, and though he is an amazing parent and a great guy, we just don't agree to a lot of things. Moreover, we share none of the same interests. I was also a really feminine boy growing up, still am tbh, so he didn't really get to like bond with me over stuff like sports and other stuff like that. But that didn't stop him from letting me buy a Barbie doll instead of a toy car at the toy store.
Even though I'm pretty sure he won't be okay with me being gay (I'm not out yet; plus I'm from India so you can sort of expect that), I still love him, and I am eternally thankful for him, even if we can't share the typical father-son relationship.
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I get along with my dad but we are not really close, neither physically nor mentally. He lives in another country as well so that's probably a factor. I've told the whole world I'm gay, except for my parents. I don't like either of them that much (they want us to have a good relationship though). Sometimes you just don't click with certain people, even if they are immediate family members.
Although, my boyfriend has a great relationship with both his parents and they both know he's gay. So it really is an individual thing, you can't generalize.
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I'm gay because I have a domineering mother. My mom's sister and mother are even worse. Oh and my dad's mom and sister are rotten to the core.
Me and my dad are ok. But mom is just evil really. I always thought she was stupid, hateful, angry, trashy and never happy so I think that's where I just sort of realized women aren't worth it. I really don't enjoy women that much really…I find them self absorbed and flakey honestly.
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He didn't like the idea of a macho son who might be bigger and stronger and better than him… Lucky for him, I had two sisters and no "macho" male role model to emulate, and ended up being an effete wimp who hates sports and liked playing with Barbies. He even used to prepare food for me and my sister's tea parties. I really do believe he wanted a sissyboy for the sake of his own fragile ego.
very interesting story! ironically enough most of us would actually appreciate a father like that. but do you believe he's the one who made you gay ?
I think I sounded really bitter when I wrote that, but I didn't mean to. It's hard even for me to understand my dad, is all. Everything I've said is pure speculation, most of it off the cuff. He was and continues to be something of an enigma to me. I appreciate that he did things like cook (good!) food, have picnics and fishing trips with us and prepare tea and snacks for our tea parties, but he never seemed emotionally present/involved in anything, even those activities. He was very accommodating and did a lot for us, but he seemed to just be going through the motions, showing no real emotions so as to be unreadable. Sometimes, I think maybe he was scared, because of the way he was, to "get too close" to his own kids on an emotional level. It seems as if being around us made him uncomfortable, which might explain why he seemed so distant, and why the few hugs I recall getting from him felt emotionally detached.
The thing is, I don't think he "made me gay" at all. I don't know for certain that he ever abused me, though I have personally identified a number of indications that he or someone else may have at some point in my life. Regardless, I can remember being "excited" (in as much as a pre-pubescent child can be, without necessarily understanding it as "sexual") looking at my sister's male Barbie dolls naked. This was at a very young age (around 6-7), so I suspect maybe I was always fruity (I saw the female Barbies naked plenty, too, but that didn't excite me). I just don't know whether or not I would've developed more stereotypically masculine sensibilities if he had been more present as an authoritative voice and educator in my formative years. Then again, he himself was not remotely into sports or other "guy stuff". Despite being mostly a gruff, insular, blue-collar alcoholic, he was also something of a pseudo-hippie gourmand/carpenter (he really could cook or build just about anything) who enjoyed the outdoors (I think he was about a quarter American Indian, which seems to have been important to his sense of identity). Not really "macho", cooking and interior design, is it? The main problem, though, was that he didn't really get involved with his own family, let alone other people. He didn't seem to like interacting with anybody. He was very private. A "loner", though "manly" in his own peculiar way. He actually built the first house I lived in. He just never taught me much of anything he knew, apart from fishing and how to prepare certain foods.
So, more than anything, I feel he simply left me a blank slate to be filled in by my mother and two sisters in his absence. I'm not really "girly" in terms of speech or mannerisms, but I can't seem to relate with stereotypically "manly" activities/sensibilities at all. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere because I "feel" like a man, but I don't relate well to other men (gay or straight). I mostly just relate to women, unsurprisingly. Apart from women, I seem to identify best and feel comfortable with eccentrics and weirdos. But they're hard to find, and usually slim pickings in terms of romantic potential. At any rate, I like my individual personality. It's what makes me "different". I just feel alienated because of it most of the time, though my severe anxiety is no doubt a worse hindrance than my general weirdness.
Anyway, to talk about my mother some more, in case anyone might think she made me gay, I doubt that as well. As I said in my earlier post, my mother wasn't domineering, or even molly-coddling. She just obviously couldn't take the place of a father in making me "more manly". She really let me and my sisters explore our own interests independently and allowed us be ourselves without spoiling or over-indulging us, though. But, having no male figures, I just ended up being sort of like the 3rd daughter of the family, because I defaulted to going along with what my two older sisters did. Fortunately for me, my eldest sister developed a lot of very unladylike interests (listening to extreme metal, going to concerts, wanting to be a mortician [though now she says she wants to be a crime scene photographer], etc.) once she hit puberty. She was the closest thing to a male role model I had. ;D
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I am close to my dad and he was supportive of me when I came out, I feel so lucky and blessed!
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I tend to avoid realating to my father, he always knew he had a gay son and used to punish me in severeal silly ways, just because he could not accept the fact.
I was forbidden playing with dolls (even Saint Seiya ones which i'm addicted to, i'm not referring to Barbies), or picking up female characters on video-games, i couldn't even wear all-star shoes (can you imagine?) all-stars inside his tiny mind was a gay shoe, i was forbidden practicing tenis at our usual club just because he heard that 2 tenis players were having an affair (which i had no clue, but after i came to find out it was true HAHAHA they were f*cking hot), so tenis suddenly became a gay sport and more… Unfortunately :-[
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I am close to my father.. it is more like the cultural things.. Families are really close in Pakistan including siblings, parents and even uncles and aunts.. When I was 12, my father beat me really hard due to studies but this did not effected our relationship as i told you it is more likely cultural thing..
I cant even think to live without my parents.. :hug2: But yes, i am also not out as gay and this could be change our relationship, so i prefer to hide my sexuality to make mine and their life easy .. lolz
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I tend to avoid realating to my father, he always knew he had a gay son and used to punish me in severeal silly ways, just because he could not accept the fact.
I was forbidden playing with dolls (even Saint Seiya ones which i'm addicted to, i'm not referring to Barbies), or picking up female characters on video-games, i couldn't even wear all-star shoes (can you imagine?) all-stars inside his tiny mind was a gay shoe, i was forbidden practicing tenis at our usual club just because he heard that 2 tenis players were having an affair (which i had no clue, but after i came to find out it was true HAHAHA they were f*cking hot), so tenis suddenly became a gay sport and more… Unfortunately :-[
[/quote]To be fair, tennis is pretty gay. ;D No, I'm just trying to insert some humor into the discussion. That sounds like a very miserable upbringing in all seriousness. I am sorry.
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I tend to avoid realating to my father, he always knew he had a gay son and used to punish me in severeal silly ways, just because he could not accept the fact.
I was forbidden playing with dolls (even Saint Seiya ones which i'm addicted to, i'm not referring to Barbies), or picking up female characters on video-games, i couldn't even wear all-star shoes (can you imagine?) all-stars inside his tiny mind was a gay shoe, i was forbidden practicing tenis at our usual club just because he heard that 2 tenis players were having an affair (which i had no clue, but after i came to find out it was true HAHAHA they were f*cking hot), so tenis suddenly became a gay sport and more… Unfortunately :-[
[/quote]To be fair, tennis is pretty gay. ;D No, I'm just trying to insert some humor into the discussion. That sounds like a very miserable upbringing in all seriousness. I am sorry.
HAHAHA i was always feeling myself wearing that tiny pair of shorts, and feeling it. Don't be sorry, i've had overcome all of that, i'm pretty well resolved on the father matter
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My dad died before he found about about me. We're distant so I wouldn't have told him anyway. But my mom knew.
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My Dad was real tough when I was a kid, but I think to understand your parents you have to understand your grandparents. People were raised tough back then, not like the (some) pussies today. My grandfather was in WWI when he was just 14. My Father was in Vietnam so any "toughness" I experienced was nothing compared to what these men went through. Talking with the straight guys at work and they were all afraid of their fathers too. When I came out at 22, my Father said, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Don't you love me?" I replied, "Some Fathers disown their sons when they find out" To which my Father said, "What kind of a man would do that to his son?" I was really surprised. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of camping with my Father. So I invited my father to go camping at a gay campground I was going to and he had a good time and liked all my friends! You know how your Father may tell you things and you think, that's not how it is he's just being old fashioned or ignorant? I consider myself lucky to have been able to tell him was right about almost everything (before he died) He was probably right about everything, I just don't know it yet. After all, seldom does a young man see the world from the same eyes as an older man.
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Close?
Me..Him?
Fuck no!
I’m assuming the “where” was Japan, and I’m not exactly sure of when they got married, other than before1960, when I was born; and if I had to guess, I’d say some time in 1959–almost certain if it was in 1958, it would’ve been late ’58.
Since he was in the military, I think even that brief time together before me had him overseas for most of it, stationed in Germany and Korea, I think. I remember my mom telling me he suffered a gunshot wound while in Germany. He claimed it was self-inflicted, having accidentally discharged his weapon while cleaning it. (My mom said it probably was a “girlfriend” who really shot him.)
My mom left Japan for the first time in her life, headed stateside in early 1960. He was overseas, and with me on-board, she may not have been alone, but without a doubt she was on her own.
Fortunately, her first place in her new country was ideal. She was taken in by her eldest sister–the first of her 7 siblings (3 younger sisters, and 3 older brothers) to come to the states…my mom being the second.
My aunt lived in Honolulu, Hawaii, and that’s where I was born. She had 2 sons and a daughter, and she too was married to a serviceman who, at the time, was also serving overseas!
I always found it interesting that, aside from the 3 brothers marrying Japanese women and remaining in Japan, all 5 girls eventually came to the U.S. and married outside of their race; and talk about personal preference and individual taste…one (my mom) went Black, one– Chinese, one--Portuguese, the other 2--White (and 3, in addition to my mom, married military guys!).
The timing and situation that put her in Hawaii at that exact moment in her life (and my “life” as well, it would turn out) really couldn’t have been better for us for a number of reasons…
1. A stranger in a new and foreign country and not only was there a “familiar face” to help her transition–it’s her big sister–who happens to live in…
2. Hawaii (I’m sure there are worse places!)
3. (Regarding me…) It turns out my aunt immediately saw something was not right the moment she laid eyes on my mom when she arrived. A visit to the doctor confirmed, and this "something" required frequent doctor visits for the remainder of the pregnancy.
4. Kuakini Hospital (private medical facility in Honolulu), instead of the “army hospital” (on “base”). Whether the issue with my mom had to do with the availability of a bed or the service she required, the military hospital referred her to Kuakini Hospital (and covered all of the charges!).
My mom dumped my father by the time I was 4, and even before then, I can only recall actually seeing him just a few times, and remember only a couple of short stretches where he was physically there.
A “deadbeat dad” from the start, gambling was near the top of his skewed list of priorities. A loser at that as well, pawn shops probably had more of our personal belongings than we did! Family was low on the list–if it was on it at all.
He actually had us homeless for a brief period. While he was out there doing whatever the fuck he was doing, help from the Red Cross had my mom, sister, and me sleeping in the one bed in what my mom referred to as "shabby"--hotel room in downtown in Seattle, Washington.
After the divorce--like a deadbeat dad--“child support” could not be counted on. There was only one brief period where benefits were received, and that was while he was married to--I think wife #4--and that was because she was the one who actually assumed the responsibility. Once they got divorced, the payments stopped.
In all fairness, in spite of his shortcomings, and very meaningful to me--his being a military veteran and my father not only covered my tuition at the University of California, at Berkeley, but also provided me with a steady income throughout my college years--none of which would’ve been possible without him…and his death.
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I am close to my dad and he was supportive of me when I came out, I feel so lucky and blessed!
Right on.
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_Although I'm closer to my mother, my dad and I get along well when he was still alive. Even when I was younger, he knew I am gay and it's not an issue with him but my mischievousness was
I used to bring my gay highschool friends (then later my college friends) in my house during weekends and it's fine by him._
Cool.
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I was really close to my Dad right up until he passed. We had a very good relationship…
Nice.
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Hello Everyone! First time poster here….
This subject resonates deeply with me because my relationship with my father is the cornerstone of the degree of wisdom I've gained in this lifetime. Well, that's because I've survived my relationship with him, and was able to gain some understanding of how forgiveness is essential to forming a healthy gay subjectivity.
My father passed away recently. He was a fundamentalist christian, and a very cruel man. Some of my first memories are of him molesting me as a child, and later on hating me for being gay. I recalll the beatings like they were yesterday. But I know now that you can forgive people because they don't know any better, but that does not mean that you have to let them continue to hurt you. To this day I don't tolerate religious fundamentalism in my life. My rule is that if you subscribe to a system of belief that discriminates and advocates violence toward me, you are out of my life.
I did not bother to see him before he died, nor did I attend his funeral, because not only was he viciously homophobic, but so was the rest of his family. So my "shocking and outrageous" decision not to participate in his funeral has had the added bonus of ensuring that the rest of his family will now stop trying to contact me.
I once heard Dan Savage say on his amazing podcast that we gay people need to start making the homophobes fear losing us by being prepared to delete them from our lives when they don't add anything positive to our lives. I totally agree with this. But the pre-requisite for this is for each of us to consciously recognise that what a precious gift being gay is. Once we free ourselves from the prison of buying into the idea that we lack something that heterosexuals have, then we can recognise how truly amazing being a gay man is.
So I grew up despising my father, and he really really deserved it, he died weeping in regret for what he'd done to me, but he was never man enough to ever seek to heal our relationship.
What I have also learned from this relationship is that in this life, nobody knows us more intimately than our victims. They are the ones who know the darkness in our souls. And nobody has more power over you than the one you have hurt the most.
What must it have been like for him to look at me as I grew up, knowing what he was doing to me every night and then seeing me as a grown man, never knowing when I would fight back? And, believe me, when I finally fought back in order to protect my younger sister from him, it was epic - as though I was possessed by an avenging angel or something. But the main lesson I learned from my relationship with him is not only how necessary (and difficult, though worth the effort) it is for us to learn to love ourselves enough to defend ourselves from weak bullying heterosexuals, but also how much more amazing we become as gay men when we love ourselves.
The scary question is - would I love and respect myself as much if I hadn't had such a difficult relationship with him??????
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The scary question is - would I love and respect myself as much if I hadn't had such a difficult relationship with him??????
Thanks for sharing your story with us and I'm glad you're in a good place now
about your question I do believe the more you survive tough times the more you respect yourself
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