It was a "few" years back, I'm 51 going on 52 now. I was 19 going on 20 when I came out and hadn't even had sex or anything close beforehand. I can relate though to your confusion and the equating homosexuality with being a fem and with living someplace that's small-town-like. It's what held me up in finally coming out. I can't tell you what you should do now and I don't know the particular details of your situation, but I can tell you about myself where it sounds like we have something in common.
I probably was aware of the terms homo and fag and faggot before I knew what it meant, but I knew that it was the worst thing to call somebody. When I did find out that there was such a thing as homosexuality and gays, like you, it was equated with being feminine and wanting to dress like a woman and wear makeup and be weak and all that crap.
When I got to an age where I was beating off and fantasizing, it was always other guys that I was fantasizing about and it wouldn't be much longer that gym class involved undressing and showers and I was totally turned on by the other naked guys and fantasized about the ones that turned me on most, about sucking their dicks or making them suck mine. I'd heard that sometimes guys go through a "phase" and that's what I told myself for a while. Because whatever else, I wasn't one of "those" and also, maybe unlike you, I was a sissy and more and more I'd be taunted with being a fag and it couldn't be for those fucking assholes to be right. But by the middle years of highschool and beating of countless times a day, I never once fantasized about sex with a girl. And in trying to be "honest" with myself I must be bisexual and once I got through this phase I'd probably start being more interested in girls. By my senior year I'd told a very few friends that I was bi and I hung out with a kind of alt-geek kind of crowd so it was sort of cool.
And I had an involvement with a girl and in wanting an open and honest relationship I told her. After graduating, we both hopped the Greyhound and ended up in Seattle. We were together another year and a half and I remained monogamous and faithful to her to the end. But she was able to see the writing on the wall before I could even admit it to myself- because I still carried the beliefs of the suburban punk life I'd grown up in and I still didn't want to wear dresses and panties and walk with a flounce and limp wrist. And I didn't want to be one of "those." And I wanted to be faithful to my girlfriend. But once she left, it was time to be honest with myself, really honest this time and the fact was, though I wasn't one of "those" I was one of them. I was gay. I was sexually interested only in other men. I was completely uninterested in women. Shortly after that I came out. When I did, I did it totally: I told my now ex-girlfriend that she was right, I told all of our friends we had in common; I told the people in my apartment building that I was on a "hey-how's it going'" basis; I asked my boss if I could talk to him then told everyone I worked with. Finally I called home and told my parents.
I was lucky- or whatever's the right word- most of my friends were ok with it, didn't have any trouble with work, my Mom and stepdad were pretty sure of it anyways and my Dad asked if I thought I'd always be this way and when I said yes he told me that whatever I was he just wanted the best for me. But there were friends that wouldn't have anything to do with me anymore and some people treated me a little differently. In coming into contact with new people through work or where I lived or through my friends I'd run into folks who wouldn't give me the time of day because I was queer. Also, I've known a lot of other gay men whose parents and friends weren't accepting. But I've never had to lead a double-life since, I've never had to live in fear of someone finding out my terrible secret, and I didn't end up marrying a girl and having children and then years later come out and unravel the lives of those others.
So, if only men turn you on- brother- you're gay. But that doesn't have anything to do with how masculine or feminine you are. And if you are gay but leading people- friends especially- into thinking you're something else is lying. Like I said, I don't know what your exact situation is, and maybe coming out isn't something you can do right now, but you do have to come out and you need to put yourself on a path where you'll be in a place and situation where you can do that from. Go to the city- not just to hook up with guys (and there is that!) but to hang out in some gay areas, make some friends- or do it online for now- that you can hang out with… check for jobs and how much it's gonna cost to get an apartment or share a place with one or some of your new friends. Build a support of sorts. Because some of your friends are gonna drop you cold and I don't know what your parents are like- they might turn their backs on you. But even so, hopefully they'll come to terms with it and friends that don't realize that you are still exactly the same person you were the moment and all the time before breaking the news are probably not all that great of people to have as friends. And yes- people will talk about you- but people are already talking about you about something or other- people are always coming up with gossip about other people. It will be hard for a little while, but in the meantime you can live without being afraid that someone will find out and you'll meet more gay people and find new friends and be able to better find out who you are. Be a man. Be independent. Be free.
