How old were you
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17… keep in mind that was in Brazil at a time where it wasn't as accepting as today (10 years ago).
I'm sure mom knew it but didn't think much of it until I started sneaking out to meet with a "friend" and one night I came home beaten up with bruises. My first boyfriend was very insecure about his sexuality and was physically abusive. He already had me locked up in a room for a whole day before, but the beating was sort of the end. Mom saw through what was happening and confronted me about it.
I was honest and she didn't take it very well at first, tried to convince me to try to be "straight" and find a nice girl... when I said that was not a possibility, she tried bribing me with a new car that was supposed to help me with the girls.
A year later she ended up accepting me and apologized for her past behaviour, explaining that she didn't know any gay couples at the time and that my first same-sex relationship being so abusive was really scary for her.
She became a huge ally and I still got to keep the car after that... :laugh:
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17… keep in mind that was in Brazil at a time where it wasn't as accepting as today (10 years ago).
I'm sure mom knew it but didn't think much of it until I started sneaking out to meet with a "friend" and one night I came home beaten up with bruises. My first boyfriend was very insecure about his sexuality and was physically abusive. Mom saw through what was happening and confronted me about it.
I was honest and she didn't take it very well at first, tried to convince me to try to be "straight" and find a nice girl... when I said that was not a possibility, she tried bribing me with a new car that was supposed to help me with the girls.
A year later she ended up accepting me and apologized for her past behaviour, explaining that she didn't know any gay couples at the time and that my first same-sex relationship being so abusive was really scary for her.
She became a huge ally and I still got to keep the car after that... :laugh:
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34. Came out to my family two months ago. Came out to "myself" back in December.
Still not out to my friends yet. I'll probably come out to one of them pretty soon.
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I was 17, it was the first time I really fell in love with someone and I had to "cry it out". I told my brother first, then my mom and finally my dad and all of them took it pretty well… I guess they already knew it and they were just waiting for me to come out. My friends knew it too in that moment and they took it well, as well. I have never felt rejected by my friends or family. I was lucky, I know many people can't feel the same way.
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I came out at 23. i am 50 now.
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Went to my first gay bar a few blocks away at 15, and the bartender would only let me get one drink. Brought Mom the second time and whatever she said worked to get at least three drinks a night and he kept the worst cases away from me. Never had to hide from Mom, but never really felt it was something to tell anyone else anything about. At least half of my family were pretty much not supportive or simply did not know.
15, I guess.
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28
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24 to my parents.
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Never have yet to parents, but I think I came out online on Facebook during high school.. Sometime when I was 16. Then in college, I felt more comfortable with my sexuality and didn't need to "come out" anymore, was just myself.
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26
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I never know how to answer that question because I think it is more complicated than that.
For instance, I have already told some very close relatives, most people at work know, my social media postings are frequently on articles relating to LGBT topics so I am knowingly not hiding the fact, but I still do not consider myself out.
Maybe in my head coming out means no exceptions, no pretense etc
If you're asking when was the first time that I as an adult let someone who is not gay know that I am gay, I guess when I was about 27-28.
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The first time I told someone other than the men i had slept with was when I was 23. I'm 28 now and still only a small handful of people know
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I came out on my 26th B-day
lost my cherry on my 21st B-day -
20, but slept with some guys when I was 19
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I was 22, and I had just started my first gay relationship a month and half ago, talk me about burning bridges.
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I was 15. On a high school band outing, I had told someone (who I thought was a friend) in secret, and she proceeded to blab to other people in the band. So, I decided to be proactive and just tell the whole school myself, since it was gonna get out anyway. This way, I could control the narrative. 33 now.
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@gustin Please, let me know if you need any kind of support.
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28 still not out yet
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Hmmm... Coming Out... This gets complicated for me:
My first male/female sexual encounter happened in the 3rd Grade (yup, just 9 years old) when I was on my way home from school, walking through the woods that I did every day, and happened onto 2 5th-Grade girls comparing tits and pubic-hair. I got to see theirs, so they got to see mine... We kept our encounters very VERY SECRET. (NOTE: I DID have a "real" dick at that age - it was NEW to me - that's precisely when my own public hair started to come in! Awesome timing, eh?) My first male/male sexual encounter came shortly after I started the 6th Grade (11 y/o), and it was with my 15 y/o neighbor. Again, we kept the whole thing a COMPLETE SECRET! There were others throughout middle & early high school: both boys AND girls... and it always a HUGE SECRET!
While I liked playing "sex games" with guys, I also REALLY liked fucking girls & playing with their tits! (The guys I was fooling around with then didn't do anal sex (we were dumb kids!) - so the only FUCKING at the time was with girls!).
But it's important - in terms of coming out - that I didn't know you were "allowed" to do both boys and girls! And NO ONE I was having sex with was telling me about anyone else they were having sex with - so I thought I was TRULY breaking ALL the rules! I was a FREAK! I had no label for myself - I had learned about heterosexual and homosexual, but knew no other labels. I lied to the boys I was playing with (saying I was homosexual, like them), and I equally lied to the girls I was playing with (saying I was heterosexual, like them). I knew of NO ONE who was LIKE ME in that they liked boys and girls...
However, late in the 8th Grade, my SECRET was revealed: it turned out that one of the boys and one of the girls I was playing around with were brother & sister (I swear I didn't know!)... and they talked! I was TOTALLY OUTED to them. I was hugely embarrassed... and they were FURIOUS with me! But they came from a VERY unusual (nudist) family, and eventually they thought it was cool, so long as there was no deception - though they were ADAMANT that they would NOT play together! I vowed to NOT be in that position ever again! Truly from that day onward, no sexual partner of mine has NOT been aware that I've had sex with both men and women in my past!
But still, other than those 2, and relatively quickly thereafter, all of the others I was having sex with, I was a completely closeted - and unique person. Not one of them admitted to me that they were attracted to both boys and girls. I dared not tell anyone else about this - especially my parents. What kind of freak did they raise?
Let me reiterate here: I (like many teens) had LOTS of sex in high school - some with boys, some with girls - and all knew that I had-had sex with both boys and girls... and no one - not one other person - ever told me they were bisexual too!
Then I went to college...I didn't expect it to be the SAME as it was in High School, but I went to school in "a big city" - Atlanta, GA - and while it was the "Queer Capital of the South" in those days, that WAS NOT TRUE on our campus! I got "outed" my freshman year by a roommate who found my porn stash... and I was nearly thrown-out of my Fraternity as a result. They LITERALLY had a VOTE on whether to keep me in, or expel me - for the "offense" of being bi-sexual! Mind you: I never disclaimed being bi - I just asked them why they cared so much if they didn't want (themselves) to have sex with me? I "won" by just 2 votes! Funny tho: in my Jr year, I was elected VP of that frat!
That happened in the Spring, so I was freshly 18 - and out, although not of my own volition. Not only as I "out" to my frat, but I was basically "out" to everyone - my fraternity brothers couldn't keep a secret to save their ass!
It wouldn't be until my Sr year in college that I ever met someone ELSE who got off just as well with girls as boys (and wasn't looking for it as a way to cheat of their bf/gf)... He was in a different frat - and was totally out to them, and totally accepted by them. That was an awakening to me! He was "allowed" to be himself - he could bring girls OR guys to his room and no one batted an eye over it! (I had been asked to "be discrete" and never bring a "gay guy" to the frat - where I lived.) So, any way you look at it, I was OUT virtually all through college.
But here's where it gets weird: In my first job after graduation, I needed a military security clearance - and being gay (or bi) was considered, at the time, to be a legitimate cause for losing said clearance (and with it, my job and my career!)... so for that time of my life, while I was still "out" to the people I had sex with (or wanted to have sex with), I was TOTALLY closeted in the rest of my life! It is the ONLY time in my life I have ever LIED (publicly) about my sexuality: I declared myself "straight" on multiple occasions - including on my clearance applications.
That didn't stop me from having boyfriends and girlfriends... but it DID mean I never went to gay bars or gay pride events (though I DID attend the first ever Gay Days at Disney - and I wore the requisite RED! ... I truly considered even that small act to be a risky one, and feared for weeks afterward that I would lose my job over it!). I didn't.
I didn't get married until I was 35 - to a woman, and she knew my sexual past. I told her I would never cheat on her, and I never did - except for porn... which she would later claim ACTUALLY WAS cheating on her... but that's another story. While we were married we had, and adopted, a total of 9 children - and during this time the world's appreciation for LGBTQ+ changed immensely! I even helped write the new laws in my state that legalized gays & lesbians becoming foster parents, and later adoptive parents!
While my sexuality never changed, my sexual ACTIVITY while I was married remained STRICTLY monogamous and heterosexual. (Though my now-ex-wife claims vociferously otherwise... but, remember: she considered watching porn "cheating" - and I DID watch porn!) Anyway, as my children got older, and I taught each of them about the "birds and the bees", I came out to each of them (as pansexual) as well. That wasn't risky: they got their morals from me and their mother, so I knew it was SAFE to do so.
Still, especially after 15 years in a straight marriage, I was never "public" about my LGBTQ+ "alignment"... I never hid it, but I certainly never advertised it either.... at least not until I met the love-of-my-life: David. Once we became a couple, it became VERY CLEAR to EVERYONE that I was queer. And to this day (even though David passed 4 years ago), I wear a rainbow mask, gay pride t-shirts, and so forth. Today, I'm 57, out and proud, and some of my children attend gay pride events with me!
So, as you can see: mine has been a long, strange journey - probably VERY different from yours. But I do have suggestions:
- Come out for you, not them (whoever they may be).
- Come out when it is SAFE for you do so, and have a plan in place in case it doesn't go well - a place to stay the night, a way to separate from whoever in case it becomes a dangerous situation - JUST IN CASE!
- TRUST your family: assuming you were raised by them, you share (largely, at least) a common moral code. Clearly there are exceptions to this - some families ARE NOT SAFE for LGBTQ+ people... of any age! But trust yourself too - to make the right call!
It hasn't always been easy: I've missed out on some hot, sexy, men and women who were NOT OK with my pansexual nature and history, and flat-out rejected me because of it... c'est la vie! But, I've also had a LOT of incredible and interesting sex with men and women who were far more willing to be EXPERIMENTAL with me because they knew of my full sexuality!
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