Turning 36, Still Struggling To Find A BF

[charlesperr]

Born in the UK, came out at 23, mostly Grindr/Tinder in London from 24 - pre covid and nothing during covid. Grindr - till date - is the only app that ever led to an in person meet for me. Moved to the states in 2021 (SF for a few months but NY since). Always did get hookups but generally no repeats for various reasons (not attracted in person, visiting, drugged up, poor chemistry, taken already) so basically have spent by entire life single, and have not even gone on a single date. I have no mental or physical health issues, no addictions, am vers (I became vers in NY, so technically was a top before), have long term friends (straight and gay platonic), a wonderful career/job that I absolutely love, and am self sufficient basically.

I've tried Hinge, Scruff, Tinder, matchmaking, speed dating, joining sports clubs, always been in gay gyms, circuit parties (these only in NY and 1 in London), travel solo for fun etc and never found anyone for anything more than a hookup. I'm always told 'its hard' or similar, have taken breaks, but still nothing.

Also spent time in therapy, to see if anything was going on there, everyone is 'clueless' or 'confused' how I am still single. I have literally been complaining about this for 10 years now (if you see my previous posts) and can't seem to catch a break. No attachment issues or trauma or depression diagnosis or ADHD / other neurological issues.

What is hurting even more is I think I have had sex with the same person maybe twice in life, ever, which really is becoming terrible for me in the sense of learning what I like, being more intimate, etc because I have no baseline for anything more, despite wanting more for ages now.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I've never heard of this happen to anyone (unless they had a legit reason e.g. overweight/body issues, in prison lol, mental issues) so this seems completely bizarre to me. I've always been fit, literally everyone calls me handsome, never had any issues, so then what is so wrong with me that literally no one will date me (I get tonnes of matches btw, but they flake 100% of the time) and will only hookup with me (and that too, its a serious push on my side, but in parties etc its 10x easier for me, but those connections go nowhere).

I am a POC, that is the only thing therapy brings up as a potential reason, but I'm baffled that this could be the reason why literally no one across 2 cities in 10+ years is remotely interested in anything more than a single hookup with me? Not even a repeat? I don't buy it.

[Chaser18]

@charlesperr

I have the same issue and I'm 44, I have not had sex with the same person more than a few times. In the states it was better because at least I had this Nigerian dude who would hook up with me every few months but in Taiwan even Grindr has been proven to be a huge waste of time. The only time I could hook up is gay saunas but even then absolutely no one wants to get to know me and I generally have to take the initiative. All I ever manage to get from Grindr is spams and such.

I don't like the whole gay subculture especially in Taiwan because it seems your appearance matters a LOT more than anything else.

Almost everyone I meet in person is either not gay or taken, and even if they weren't they have absolutely zero interest in me in a romantic way.

I think this is a bigger issue than most people want to admit (hence the whole toxic incel culture) because in the olden days people married because they had to. Now we just rather stick to our phones rather than connect in any way.

I'm not even sure undesirable issues is even the problem/red flag because I seen plenty of very messed up people get dates and marry. I don't honestly know what's involved in romance because I never had one, never been on dates with anyone (male or female).

I have been going to therapy but so far they haven't identified what exactly is driving people away.

I think one very possible explanation (not saying it might apply to you) is that I am autistic, and probably barely on the high functioning side of the spectrum. I find most people boring and hard to be around, especially their musical tastes. But this isn't something I can do anything about.

[justatest90]

@charlesperr

Would obviously have to know a lot more about you, so just spitballing here:

You mention you've been to therapy: what sort? What were the goals of the therapy? What was the experience and background of your therapist? Someone with experience in marital issues isn't going to necessarily be good at helping someone who isn't finding connection.

Have you asked the people you've hooked up with? A few years ago I was pretty stuck in my career growth and the best piece of advice was to ask people - both ones I trust and ones I'm dubious about - what they thought about certain things about myself ("Do you think I'd be good at X, why or why not?") in a structured and open-minded way. It was a pretty enlightening experience. Challenging, but led to a lot of growth. Perhaps something similar could work here: ask your ex partners why nothing more was ever established. Or ask people you were interested in / hoped something could come about, why nothing ever did. You could hear anything from, "I didn't know you were interested" to "You always seemed to busy for the the type of relationship I wanted" to who knows what. But these are people who actually interacted with you.

Keep in mind that your actions are perfectly designed to get the results you're getting. You need to change your patterns of behavior. Obviously Grindr is not a dating app, and while it's not impossible to find a partner there, it's not likely most peoples' goal. Don't use Grindr or other hookup apps for 3 months. Do a lot more low-stakes, getting-to-know-you interactions (coffee, walk, socialize) and if they push for sex first or early, filter them out. Also be explicit early that you're interested in dating. Lots of guys (in my view) will lean towards hookup absent any other guidance. Being explicit about your goals will filter out bad matches early. Your 'miss' ratio will go way up, but it's the only way to make actual relationship progress.

Also, something about your selection criteria is off. For whatever reason, you're selecting "fuckbois" not "relationship material". Start selecting more for what you're professing interest in. The hottest 25 year old probably isn't looking to settle down (obviously exceptions apply, but again, we're talking about your bad filtering here). Try engaging with people that you might not have in the past. Prioritize other things than attractiveness (or whatever your prioritizing now). I'm not saying go out with every fuggo out there, but someone who is maybe a "meh" will grow because they're engaging, funny, and quality relationship material. And then follow up with these guys. "Hey coffee was fun but I think we want different things" or "Coffee was fun, want to grab dinner this weekend?"

So the "what's wrong with you" is the behavior isn't leading to the desired result and you keep repeating the same behavior. Change the behavior, change the result.

[skygrind]

@charlesperr
My friend, I totally understand how you feel, and I can sense how sincere and kind you are. You really don’t have to fall into anxiety and low spirits because of this. I’ve read everything you shared carefully, and my heart goes out to you. I want to tell you seriously: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, not at all.
You are healthy, in great shape, have a stable career and long-lasting friendships, and everyone around you thinks you’re excellent. This is more than enough to prove that being single is in no way your fault. Over the past ten years, you’ve lived in two cities, tried all dating apps, matchmaking, sports clubs, parties, and even therapy, yet you’ve only had short-term casual encounters. You’ve never been on a real date, and rarely even met the same person twice. This is definitely not because you’re not good enough.
What you’re going through is actually quite common. The gay dating scene in London and New York is extremely fast-paced and casual. Platforms like Grindr, circuit parties, and gay gyms are designed for short-term connections from the start, making it hard for serious relationships to grow. Getting plenty of matches but being flaked on every time is just the superficial vibe of the community, not something directed at you. As for being a POC, there may be implicit bias from a small number of people, but there’s no way that’s the reason no one has wanted anything serious with you across a decade and two cities. You shouldn’t doubt yourself for that at all. Many people only seek short-term company and have no intention of pursuing a serious, committed relationship. Everyone has their own choices and concerns, and this is never your fault.
What hurts you the most is that you’ve never had the chance to build a stable, intimate relationship. Without repeated interactions, you can’t gradually get to know each other and nurture a bond. This isn’t a flaw in your ability to connect — you’ve just been stuck in a cycle of hookups with no real conversation.
You can try adjusting your approach: first, step away from apps and places that only lead to one-night stands, and stop wasting your emotions there. Instead, join gay communities focused on long-term connections, such as volunteer groups, book clubs, hobby communities, or LGBTQ+ charity events, rather than just gyms and parties. Be straightforward from the beginning and tell people you’re looking for proper dates and a serious relationship, not casual flings, so you can filter out those who only want short-term fun. Only someone who’s willing to have deep talks with you, exchange thoughts, share lives and hobbies, and invest time in genuine communication is worth asking for a relationship. If someone only wants a physical connection and refuses to communicate emotionally, you’ll know their true intention and shouldn’t waste your feelings on them.
Fate is a wonderful thing. The right person for you just hasn’t come into your life yet. Don’t rush or doubt yourself. You deserve to be treated seriously, and the person who’s willing to take things slow and build a long-term relationship with you will meet you when you least expect it. You’ve held on for so long and done nothing wrong. Please don’t think there’s something wrong with you, and try to relax a little.
PS：Wow! My English isn’t very good, so I’m actually surprised that I managed to write so much. I looked up a lot of words in dictionaries to put this together.
Please forgive me if my expressions sound strange or unnatural. I’m Chinese and have never met any foreigners in my life. Even when I ran a bar and worked as a bartender, I never had any foreign customers. That’s why I’ve been worried that my poor choice of words or grammar mistakes might accidentally offend you.

[ianfontinell]

Mate, let's be honest... I'm pretty confident that you're insufferable. It's been >10 years that you've been whining about how it shouldn't be this hard to find a bf when you are such a catch. It really isn't that hard... You don't have to be smoking hot or have the perfect job to find a bf.

It sounds like you've been trying really hard to find a "boyfriend" wth is even a boyfriend mate you're 36 years old, it's time to start naming names and say out loud what is it that you're truly looking for. You want someone who's got a stable job? a good income? who is fit? pertains to a specific age group? political views matter to you? What is a boyfriend after all?

Isn't this perspective overly romantic and childish? I think it is. The perfect guy will come in and you will be twice as perfect together, you'll never ever affect each other because you're both perfect already, you won't have to change a thing for him and he won't have to change a thing for you.

You said you're attractive, tall, financially stable, chill... Those are very nice things, they put you in a position that usually tend to boost your morale. Chances are people are interested at first glance, but it seems that one night stand is enough for them to reconsider.

It ought to be something on your end, if you really can't find anything it is definitely time to put the boyfriend hunt on a halt and start looking for that instead. You can make all the therapy you want, if all you do is complain about how bewildering it is that nobody wants to date you no therapist will ever be able to help.

[bi4smooth]

IMHO, this is a common problem in the generation that is now in their late-20s thru mid-40's.... the generation that grew up with porn on the Internet, AND HIV -- both provoking them to want sex, and scaring the SHIT out of them with "sex is dangerous" messages!

As a result: porn becomes reality. Not only does this lead to TERRIBLE sex, but also to the delusion that the only thing that "qualifies" as boyfriend material is:

• porn-star hung
• porn-star good looks (even tho, you yourself are - on your BEST night, a SIX)
• 6-figure salary (and able to support you)
• lives in a mansion, with a pool and at-lesat 6 bedrooms...
• additional "fantasy" thoughts that, through porn, have become a false-reality.

The FIRST thing I have taught my children about relationships is that you have to LOVE YOURSELF - as you are, right now!

• If there is something about yourself you CAN'T abide, then change it, or change how you feel about it.
• If there is something about yourself you feel you could, and need to, change - then DO IT! But understand that your self-love shouldn't be DEPENDENT on whatever that change is...

ABUSERS prey on people who do not (and cannot) love themselves... Look up "battered spouse syndrome."

The SECOND thing I stress to my children is: Love will not knock on your door, send you a text, or follow you on Facebook (or IG or whatever)... you have to GET OUT THERE! Make yourself VISIBLE!

• But go places where people you want to meet would go! If you don't drink, don't go to a bar! If you're not into sports, don't go to sporting events! If you don't like to dance, don't hang out at the dance club! If you're not religious, don't to to a church to look for dates!
• If you like camping - go camping (yes, by yourself, or with friends) - and then go around the camping area and MEET people!
• If you don't like to DO THINGS, then you need to find some hobbies... DO SOMETHING other than scroll on social media (and watch porn)!
• ACCEPT HELP from parents, friends, etc - if they "set you up" on a date, GIVE IT A SHOT! (some of the WORST dates I've ever been on were setups - but so was my ex-wife AND the man I fell in love with and whose death almost killed me with grief)

Just my observations... take what applies to you, ditch the rest...