Relationship Issue Help Needed: My partner and his so-called friend
-
Since everyone was so helpful with your advice…now help me find a good decent man!
Maybe some well-intentioned, unsuspecting (if not naive), thoughtful member of these forums, with more time & money than good sense, would be willing to allow a kind-hearted, helpful & loving individual like yourself stay with them indefinitely until you're ready to make your next moves.
:blind:
-
Well it all came to a head last night. I found out I was truly being used and abused. 2 days after the breakup Lee started looking for my replacement, which told me all I needed to know. Who the fuck breaks up (if you are truly in love)and starts looking for another partner immediately? He came out of his room last night and said that this gay lifestyle was just all about sex and everyone he talked too today just wanted to hook up and was not interested in being a partner. Remember he is blind so he is using his cell phone and all the damn hookup apps to try to find another partner (victim). When he told me he was upset because he could not find anyone it was clear to me I meant nothing to him and I said that I could not believe that after 2 days he was already looking for someone to take my place. I told him I could see how much I meant to him and I felt he really never loved me. He became irate, assualted me and told me to get the hell out of his apartment. So at 2AM in the morning I went to a hotel. I am still in the Hotel. I am moving back into my old home that has sat vacant and for sale for the last 9 months. Being on disability here it has been hard for me, I am getting the electricity turned back on on Nov 1. This is my last night in the hotel since I can't really afford it. He has been very mean to me. If you knew what all I did for this man to be treated this way. Let's just put it this way, I have learned a major life lesson (a little late for a 54 year old). Again, Thanks for all your advice and concern. Hugs to all of you.
-
Who the fuck breaks up (if you are truly in love)and starts looking for another partner immediately?
Uh, YOU? :blink:
Since everyone was so helpful with your advice…now help me find a good decent man! I am in TX.
:true:
I am moving back into my old home that has sat vacant and for sale for the last 9 months… I am getting the electricity turned back on on Nov 1.
Wow, that is remarkable! Really amazing that you can just take your house off the market and move right back in like that after 9 months, almost like none of this ever happened. That is all so fortunate, and convenient! And to think, just a couple of days ago, you were saying you were going to go live on the streets!
The sad part of this whole situation is that I have no where to go and I guess I will try to put my things in storage and live on the streets until I can find somewhere to live.
What an interesting story. Thanks for sharing, all the best!
-
Then, just one last observation: At 54 years old, you meet a guy online who happens to be blind that you help move into a place in your town, I guess because you're resourceful like that. You decide you are compatible and so you sell your house (put your house "on the market" - instead of just having him move in with you, I guess) to go move in with this guy (that you've known for several weeks at this point) and sleep in a room down the hall while his best friend of 8 years, who is a "stupid idiot freak", sleeps on the floor of your boyfriends bedroom? AND THEN DRAMA ENSUES?!? 4REALZ?!?
:crazy2:
-
Okay guys, lets play nice. #1, I was teasing about finding a boyfriend…did you not see the LOL? :cheesy2: #2, Yes this was all real and is still ongoing today! #3, I put my house on the market after we were together for 3 months and I had a buyer but it fell through. The house will remain for sale, I am have decided instead of living on the streets I would move back there until it sold. So please understand that you have not walked a mile in my shoes before casting judgement.
-
Why didn't he move in with me? because he was moving from Dallas to Austin and when we met he already had found an apartment and signed a lease and could not get out of the lease. So we decided it would be more financially easier for me to move in with him since he was on section 8 housing and his rent was $14.00 a month. Instead of running 2 households and paying double bills at 2 places. I have not shared all the details about the relationship as it would have been too lengthy of a post.
-
So he is meant to be blind and he was using a cell phone and apps to find someone new?
He obviously isn't as blind as he was letting on.
And 14$ a month for rent bloody hell im upping sticks and moving to America, here the rent is like 300$ for a shoebox size apartment after you have taken into the housing social security for disabled/unemployed people.
-
Lee (the blind guy) was born with one bad eye and at the age of 10 his other eye started going bad and his retina was detached. So he is totally blind. Yes, he can use a cell phone, it is a special cell phone that he commands using voice and double tapping the screen with his finger. He tells the phone what to do and it does it. He has all kinds of apps on his phone like Pandora, etc.
Here in Texas we have a government agency called HUD (Housing Urban Development Association) that subsidizes disabled people and helps them pay rent for low-income individuals, so yes his rent is actually $1080 a month but he only pays $14 out of that. Trust me there is a long waiting list to get on this program here in the Texas.
Still staying in a hotel, today I have to go over there and pack up my things. I hope he doesn't try to start any shit or try to assault me again because I have decided that if he lays a finger on me I am calling the police. Wish me well please, I need it. I don't plan on discussing anything, I am just going to pack my things so the movers can come on Thursday.
I will keep you posted. Thanks again guys!
-
I hope you're doing ok Jazz! Things do get better, I promise!
-
Thank you, I guess I am doing okay. Last night here in hotel, electricity gets turned on tomorrow at my old house, so I will go back tomorrow.
I went today and packed everything up and Lee didn't have much to say to me. With his bedroom door open, he laid on his bed and sighed, flip flopped around, played with his dick in his pants and then proceeded to talk on the phone and joke and laugh with someone trying to make me jealous. It did not work. It took me 8 hours to pack my things and get ready for the movers to come. When I got ready to leave to come back to the hotel, he came out of the bedroom and said "You know I don't hate you" and I really did not know how to answer that…so I said "well that is good to know", I was not going to entertain him or try to engage in a conversation with him. I do have to go back tomorrow to move some things the movers I don't want them to move. When I say I guess I am okay, I am quite worried because although I am gay, I find myself not wanting to live the lifestyle since all this has taken place. I don't understand this at all. Maybe it is I feel at present "all used up". I have had two long-term relationships with men (I am not interested in pussy at all...LOL) 1 relationship lasting 12 years and the other 8. I think this one did me in...not sure. I am tired and exhausted, no sleep, not hungry and not at all interested in men, porn, dating, bars, nothing gay related all of a sudden. Your thoughts and opinions? I am worried that at my age of 54 (in the gay lifestyle that is a grandpa) that I will not ever entertain the thought of growing old with someone although I don't want to be alone. Just plain over it right now. :cry2: -
And to give some more background on my last long-term of 8 years….I thought the relationship was going well. We both were managers at a major pet store (in 2 different stores)...we were compatible, got along, enjoyed our time together, took wonderful vacations together and then I had a major massive heart attack that required surgery. While I was in the hospital I thought it was quite strange that my partner was not by my side very much. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and he spent approx. 4 hours with me the whole 2 weeks I was there. I asked him to please be there to see me off to surgery and he did not show up. When I got home from the hospital I asked what was going on and he told me he did not think he loved me anymore. I was like we have been together for 8 years, I just got home from major heart problems and you tell me this? What the fuck? He wanted to stay at the house and live with me until he decided whether he truly loved me or not anymore. After 2 weeks I approached him and asks what he intentions were and he told me he did not know. One day I was going through my medicine cabinet and noticed that all my viagra was gone out of the medicine bottle. After that I asked him to leave. He moved out the next day. I found out 6 months later that he was engaged to another guy. So after the relationship with him and now the "so called relationship" with Lee...I am pretty much done. Any thoughts?
-
Wow. You've been through a lot. So sorry things have been tough in the relationship side. (I should let someone on another thread here read this- he is 35 and is terrified he will end up alone).
A heart attack is a major scare- and it's a shame your partner wasn't capable of dealing with it. But I guess better it was before you got married and all.
My thoughts after all this, Jazz, are maybe you should focus on yourself for a while- find things to enjoy by yourself or with friends. You haven't mentioned much about friends- so I just have to say that they are a blessing when you're single. Or find some hobby where you can meet new people. You are in your 50's but that doesn't mean you stop growing and improving yourself and having fun. You don't need to be in a relationship to do any of that.
Best of luck!
-
Thank you for your kind words Brian
-
Well I am finally and completely moved in back at my home (that is for sale still, I have decided to keep it on the market). Lee did everything possible to make it difficult for me. The hole time I was packing boxes he kept the air conditioner off (it is still in the 90's here in Austin).
The movers were running late and he told me that if they did not show up that it was my last shot and that everything would become his property because he is going to be leaving to take a trip for a month. They did finally show up 2 hours late. He was on the phone the whole time I was there on moving day talking to all kinds of men. He had the nerve to ask me to move his TV from his bedroom to the living room and hook it up. Then he got back on the phone. When the movers were finished, he was still on the phone, I slammed the door and walked out. On my way to my house he calls me and said " well you didn't even tell me good-bye" and I responded if you would have been off your phone I might have, and I said Good-bye Lee, now Fuck off and never call me again and then hung up. What an ass! I do feel some relief. -
To those of you who were kind enough to read this post and respond I will give you the latest updates:
I have now been living in my home (single) for 21 days. It has been a peaceful and reflective time for me until 2 days ago.
Two nights ago I got a text from Lee asking me how I was doing and asking how things were going and if I were okay.
I responded by telling him it has been a rough time but I am making it. I asked him what was up and how things were with him and
he said things were horrible. I told him I was sorry he was having a bad time and wished him the best.Last night he texted me again and asked if we could talk over the phone. I replied that I would rather text. He agreed.
The next message I get is " I miss you, I really fucked up and was wondering if you could forgive me and I love you and realize that you were so good to me and for me and I lost something wonderful, I can't get you out of my head or heart, I am struggling here and I wonder if you still love me because I love you and I am hoping you can open your heart so we can get back together and have our relationship back. I realize I was hateful and mean to you, but since I am blind I really don't realize when I am being mean. You have been the best man I have ever been with and I need you, I fucked up and I am so sorry, please give me another chance."I was kind of taken back and really did not know what to think. Here is how I responded:
"I am not here to argue or fight with you anymore that is not going to happen. And to clear your mind, I have forgiven you already. I do realize you are going through a rough time as well, but I do have to say that is not my fault. I seriously don't think you have really realized what all I did for you, how much I loved you, how much I lost in many ways, Trust me I have lost more than I have ever gained including you. All of this just to please you and try to make you happy.But here I sit alone. There are many times that you hurt my feelings and you never even knew about it. I would approach you to make love and would always be told, oh, you caught me off guard, but whenever you approached I did not turn you down. You said things to me that hurt, that I was too loud in the bedroom and you just wanted to concentrate to get the job done. Really? I didn't know it was a job, I thought it was supposed to be fun and pleasurable.I really did not appreciate you and William sleeping in your room and me sleeping in mine, that said a lot. Then you would constantly tell me if William wanted to come back he was welcome after all he had done for you. That did not make me feel like I was number one in your life, I was not your priority. What about after all I had done? I mean I was supposed to be your partner. I don't think my feelings were considered many times. I did not and do not feel that partners or lovers should sleep in separate bedrooms especially when the relationship is still new. I like to be held and you did not seem very interested. You constantly said I was watching you, when actually I really wasn't. You constantly said I kept track of you. Well hell, yes we were both in a small apartment, of course I knew if you were in the bathroom or the bedroom or on the patio. I wasn't the one living there who constantly followed you, watching you, staring at you, or rubbing my crotch watching you, that wasn't me, that was your number 1(William). Being blind is not an excuse for being mean, or saying since you are blind you did not realize you were being mean. I am so sorry you are blind, but that gives you no reason to be abrupt, mean or say things that hurt people. But I have to be honest with you, after all I have been through with you, I am scared and leery of trying to reconcile with you at this point. It was always your apartment and I never felt any ownership in it all. You accused me of taking over, which I did not. I was simply doing what you asked to make your apartment look like a magazine picture, which it did. So to say the least, I am hurt, very hurt and have had all the drama I can take this year. I never really felt a part of you and me, it was all you. Yes you opened your home up for me to live with you and I appreciate that and you made some changes. I did not write this to make you mad or argue with you, I wrote this in truth and honesty and how I felt. Just know I accepted you for who you were, lock stock and barrel and didn't ask you to change a thing.
I wasn't putting fault on you for the changes I decided to make in order to be with you or in a relationship with you, which was a major mistake on my part. I wanted you to realize how much I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life that's all. I think it is probably best if we just remain or try to be friendly to each other. I don't really think that we would ever work after all we have been through. So I guess this is closer for you. Thank you for loving me. You will always have a special place in my heart. I am not actively searching for anyone or anything or another relationship. I truly don't intend on ever having a relationship with any one anymore. To say the least, I think we would both be better moving on. Please keep in touch, I do think about you often and like I said I pray for you daily and will continue to do so. After all we have been through I can honestly say I am no longer in love with you, but I do love you, just not in a partner kind of way. I want you to keep in touch, I want to hear from you, like I said I care about you. I wish you no bad things either. I wish for you the best and hope you can find someone compatible. even if we can't be together in the end, I am truly thankful and glad that you were a part of my life. Thank you! Please know that I will always love you and have a place for you in my heart. I would like to build a friendship with you over time."Lee responded back, " If we can't be lovers I can't be your friend because I am still in love with you and every time we would talk or see each other it would hurt because you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I would always wonder what could have been between us and I thank you for everything"
I responded back:
Wow, alright, I guess you are burning a bridge. You are the one who told me you wanted to be friends and now you are telling me something different. Well then, good-bye. I am sad. but good-bye. I hope you have a good thanksgiving and Christmas. Have a good evening. Guess I will never know how you are doing or anything but I will respect your wishes.Now this morning, I wake up to three text messages from him wanting me to call him, wanting us to spend Thanksgiving together since he would be alone. I am like what the fuck, what do I do, I don't want to be mean to him or have any more drama. What would you do? I really need your advice…HELP PLEASE
-
Jokes aside, only you know what's best. If you still love him then give him another chance, but then you need to call the shots. In a perfect world, you both would meet someone new, falling head over heels, no drama. Take your pick.
-
I love him but I am no longer in love with him. I do feel like he used me and took advantage of me and in some ways was emotionally abusive and tried to be physically abusive as well. I feel sorry for him being blind and having no one to help him but felt he pushed me out the door. Now he wants me back, I really think I should move on…Anyone else have advice and thoughts?
-
Argh! I have a soft spot for this sort of thing, it's not that I want to hold a grudge but I tend to be more forgetting of past sins once I forgive. So I have to warn you that I do get told a lot that I'm too forgiving.
But that said, it really is up to you depending on how you feel about him- if you still want to see what is possible. There's a part of me that says just leave well enough alone, but another part is saying you could give him a chance IF- and this is very important- IF he makes some changes to prove that he really is serious this time around. For one thing- can he give up his friend? That is the first and main test. His friend was the main reason your relationship fell apart and having him around is a deal breaker. His focus should be on you and building a relationship with you.
If and when William is out of the picture entirely- THEN you can give him a chance. No rushing ahead and moving in, please! Get to know each other more first. Spend a bit of time until you have a better understanding of whether there's anything there worth salvaging, or if you should just totally cut him out of your life.
-
I can understand the point of being "too forgiving"…that is me in a nutshell. I have been too forgiving in my last 2 relationships and I am the one that got hurt. I did respond to him with the following:
I am willing to try working things out with you if you can make some changes in a few areas, if you can't agree with my conditions then we need to move on:
Number 1 is that under no circumstances will William ever live with us and the 20 calls a day need to stop from him
Number 2 is that you make me feel secure again that after a disagreement you don't want to end things and break up. It's a commitment.
Number 3 is that we will sleep in the same bed
Number 4 I am in control of the finances
Number 5 We will not share a home until things are completely worked out and you will be faithful as I will be to you in our absences.
Number 6 You will not yell, scream at me. You will be respectful of me and not try to get physically abusive with me.Let me know. If I don't hear back...then I know you don't agree.I bet I never hear from him, he will never agree to any of it!
Any ones thoughts? Was I to mean?
-
Good on you for writing that large piece and getting your feelings out there. Also good on you for providing that list of what you want to change to make things work.
I hate to come across as bitter or nasty but its a shame that he seems to have ignored your feelings again and focusing on what he wants and his feelings. It sounds as if he hasn't learnt to be considerate of your feelings yet so trying to pursue the relationship would be a waste of time.
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login