Relationship Issue Help Needed: My partner and his so-called friend

ChaunceyF

I hope you're doing ok Jazz! Things do get better, I promise!

jazzmale29

Thank you, I guess I am doing okay. Last night here in hotel, electricity gets turned on tomorrow at my old house, so I will go back tomorrow.
I went today and packed everything up and Lee didn't have much to say to me. With his bedroom door open, he laid on his bed and sighed, flip flopped around, played with his dick in his pants and then proceeded to talk on the phone and joke and laugh with someone trying to make me jealous. It did not work. It took me 8 hours to pack my things and get ready for the movers to come. When I got ready to leave to come back to the hotel, he came out of the bedroom and said "You know I don't hate you" and I really did not know how to answer that…so I said "well that is good to know", I was not going to entertain him or try to engage in a conversation with him. I do have to go back tomorrow to move some things the movers I don't want them to move. When I say I guess I am okay, I am quite worried because although I am gay, I find myself not wanting to live the lifestyle since all this has taken place. I don't understand this at all. Maybe it is I feel at present "all used up". I have had two long-term relationships with men (I am not interested in pussy at all...LOL) 1 relationship lasting 12 years and the other 8. I think this one did me in...not sure. I am tired and exhausted, no sleep, not hungry and not at all interested in men, porn, dating, bars, nothing gay related all of a sudden. Your thoughts and opinions? I am worried that at my age of 54 (in the gay lifestyle that is a grandpa) that I will not ever entertain the thought of growing old with someone although I don't want to be alone. Just plain over it right now. :cry2:

jazzmale29

And to give some more background on my last long-term of 8 years….I thought the relationship was going well. We both were managers at a major pet store (in 2 different stores)...we were compatible, got along, enjoyed our time together, took wonderful vacations together and then I had a major massive heart attack that required surgery. While I was in the hospital I thought it was quite strange that my partner was not by my side very much. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and he spent approx. 4 hours with me the whole 2 weeks I was there. I asked him to please be there to see me off to surgery and he did not show up. When I got home from the hospital I asked what was going on and he told me he did not think he loved me anymore. I was like we have been together for 8 years, I just got home from major heart problems and you tell me this? What the fuck? He wanted to stay at the house and live with me until he decided whether he truly loved me or not anymore. After 2 weeks I approached him and asks what he intentions were and he told me he did not know. One day I was going through my medicine cabinet and noticed that all my viagra was gone out of the medicine bottle. After that I asked him to leave. He moved out the next day. I found out 6 months later that he was engaged to another guy. So after the relationship with him and now the "so called relationship" with Lee...I am pretty much done. Any thoughts?

brianboru72

Wow. You've been through a lot. So sorry things have been tough in the relationship side. (I should let someone on another thread here read this- he is 35 and is terrified he will end up alone).

A heart attack is a major scare- and it's a shame your partner wasn't capable of dealing with it. But I guess better it was before you got married and all.

My thoughts after all this, Jazz, are maybe you should focus on yourself for a while- find things to enjoy by yourself or with friends. You haven't mentioned much about friends- so I just have to say that they are a blessing when you're single. Or find some hobby where you can meet new people. You are in your 50's but that doesn't mean you stop growing and improving yourself and having fun. You don't need to be in a relationship to do any of that.

Best of luck!

jazzmale29

Thank you for your kind words Brian

jazzmale29

Well I am finally and completely moved in back at my home (that is for sale still, I have decided to keep it on the market). Lee did everything possible to make it difficult for me. The hole time I was packing boxes he kept the air conditioner off (it is still in the 90's here in Austin).
The movers were running late and he told me that if they did not show up that it was my last shot and that everything would become his property because he is going to be leaving to take a trip for a month. They did finally show up 2 hours late. He was on the phone the whole time I was there on moving day talking to all kinds of men. He had the nerve to ask me to move his TV from his bedroom to the living room and hook it up. Then he got back on the phone. When the movers were finished, he was still on the phone, I slammed the door and walked out. On my way to my house he calls me and said " well you didn't even tell me good-bye" and I responded if you would have been off your phone I might have, and I said Good-bye Lee, now Fuck off and never call me again and then hung up. What an ass! I do feel some relief.

jazzmale29

To those of you who were kind enough to read this post and respond I will give you the latest updates:

I have now been living in my home (single) for 21 days. It has been a peaceful and reflective time for me until 2 days ago.
Two nights ago I got a text from Lee asking me how I was doing and asking how things were going and if I were okay.
I responded by telling him it has been a rough time but I am making it. I asked him what was up and how things were with him and
he said things were horrible. I told him I was sorry he was having a bad time and wished him the best.

Last night he texted me again and asked if we could talk over the phone. I replied that I would rather text. He agreed.
The next message I get is " I miss you, I really fucked up and was wondering if you could forgive me and I love you and realize that you were so good to me and for me and I lost something wonderful, I can't get you out of my head or heart, I am struggling here and I wonder if you still love me because I love you and I am hoping you can open your heart so we can get back together and have our relationship back. I realize I was hateful and mean to you, but since I am blind I really don't realize when I am being mean. You have been the best man I have ever been with and I need you, I fucked up and I am so sorry, please give me another chance."

I was kind of taken back and really did not know what to think. Here is how I responded:

"I am not here to argue or fight with you anymore that is not going to happen. And to clear your mind, I have forgiven you already. I do realize you are going through a rough time as well, but I do have to say that is not my fault. I seriously don't think you have really realized what all I did for you, how much I loved you, how much I lost in many ways, Trust me I have lost more than I have ever gained including you. All of this just to please you and try to make you happy.But here I sit alone. There are many times that you hurt my feelings and you never even knew about it. I would approach you to make love and would always be told, oh, you caught me off guard, but whenever you approached I did not turn you down. You said things to me that hurt, that I was too loud in the bedroom and you just wanted to concentrate to get the job done. Really? I didn't know it was a job, I thought it was supposed to be fun and pleasurable.I really did not appreciate you and William sleeping in your room and me sleeping in mine, that said a lot. Then you would constantly tell me if William wanted to come back he was welcome after all he had done for you. That did not make me feel like I was number one in your life, I was not your priority. What about after all I had done? I mean I was supposed to be your partner. I don't think my feelings were considered many times. I did not and do not feel that partners or lovers should sleep in separate bedrooms especially when the relationship is still new. I like to be held and you did not seem very interested. You constantly said I was watching you, when actually I really wasn't. You constantly said I kept track of you. Well hell, yes we were both in a small apartment, of course I knew if you were in the bathroom or the bedroom or on the patio. I wasn't the one living there who constantly followed you, watching you, staring at you, or rubbing my crotch watching you, that wasn't me, that was your number 1(William). Being blind is not an excuse for being mean, or saying since you are blind you did not realize you were being mean. I am so sorry you are blind, but that gives you no reason to be abrupt, mean or say things that hurt people. But I have to be honest with you, after all I have been through with you, I am scared and leery of trying to reconcile with you at this point. It was always your apartment and I never felt any ownership in it all. You accused me of taking over, which I did not. I was simply doing what you asked to make your apartment look like a magazine picture, which it did. So to say the least, I am hurt, very hurt and have had all the drama I can take this year. I never really felt a part of you and me, it was all you. Yes you opened your home up for me to live with you and I appreciate that and you made some changes. I did not write this to make you mad or argue with you, I wrote this in truth and honesty and how I felt. Just know I accepted you for who you were, lock stock and barrel and didn't ask you to change a thing.
I wasn't putting fault on you for the changes I decided to make in order to be with you or in a relationship with you, which was a major mistake on my part. I wanted you to realize how much I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life that's all. I think it is probably best if we just remain or try to be friendly to each other. I don't really think that we would ever work after all we have been through. So I guess this is closer for you. Thank you for loving me. You will always have a special place in my heart. I am not actively searching for anyone or anything or another relationship. I truly don't intend on ever having a relationship with any one anymore. To say the least, I think we would both be better moving on. Please keep in touch, I do think about you often and like I said I pray for you daily and will continue to do so. After all we have been through I can honestly say I am no longer in love with you, but I do love you, just not in a partner kind of way. I want you to keep in touch, I want to hear from you, like I said I care about you. I wish you no bad things either. I wish for you the best and hope you can find someone compatible. even if we can't be together in the end, I am truly thankful and glad that you were a part of my life. Thank you! Please know that I will always love you and have a place for you in my heart. I would like to build a friendship with you over time."

Lee responded back, " If we can't be lovers I can't be your friend because I am still in love with you and every time we would talk or see each other it would hurt because you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I would always wonder what could have been between us and I thank you for everything"

I responded back:
Wow, alright, I guess you are burning a bridge. You are the one who told me you wanted to be friends and now you are telling me something different. Well then, good-bye. I am sad. but good-bye. I hope you have a good thanksgiving and Christmas. Have a good evening. Guess I will never know how you are doing or anything but I will respect your wishes.

Now this morning, I wake up to three text messages from him wanting me to call him, wanting us to spend Thanksgiving together since he would be alone. I am like what the fuck, what do I do, I don't want to be mean to him or have any more drama. What would you do? I really need your advice…HELP PLEASE

dist

Jokes aside, only you know what's best. If you still love him then give him another chance, but then you need to call the shots. In a perfect world, you both would meet someone new, falling head over heels, no drama. Take your pick.

jazzmale29

I love him but I am no longer in love with him. I do feel like he used me and took advantage of me and in some ways was emotionally abusive and tried to be physically abusive as well. I feel sorry for him being blind and having no one to help him but felt he pushed me out the door. Now he wants me back, I really think I should move on…Anyone else have advice and thoughts?

brianboru72

Argh! I have a soft spot for this sort of thing, it's not that I want to hold a grudge but I tend to be more forgetting of past sins once I forgive. So I have to warn you that I do get told a lot that I'm too forgiving.

But that said, it really is up to you depending on how you feel about him- if you still want to see what is possible. There's a part of me that says just leave well enough alone, but another part is saying you could give him a chance IF- and this is very important- IF he makes some changes to prove that he really is serious this time around. For one thing- can he give up his friend? That is the first and main test. His friend was the main reason your relationship fell apart and having him around is a deal breaker. His focus should be on you and building a relationship with you.

If and when William is out of the picture entirely- THEN you can give him a chance. No rushing ahead and moving in, please! Get to know each other more first. Spend a bit of time until you have a better understanding of whether there's anything there worth salvaging, or if you should just totally cut him out of your life.

jazzmale29

I can understand the point of being "too forgiving"…that is me in a nutshell. I have been too forgiving in my last 2 relationships and I am the one that got hurt. I did respond to him with the following:

I am willing to try working things out with you if you can make some changes in a few areas, if you can't agree with my conditions then we need to move on:
Number 1 is that under no circumstances will William ever live with us and the 20 calls a day need to stop from him
Number 2 is that you make me feel secure again that after a disagreement you don't want to end things and break up. It's a commitment.
Number 3 is that we will sleep in the same bed
Number 4 I am in control of the finances
Number 5 We will not share a home until things are completely worked out and you will be faithful as I will be to you in our absences.
Number 6 You will not yell, scream at me. You will be respectful of me and not try to get physically abusive with me.Let me know. If I don't hear back...then I know you don't agree.

I bet I never hear from him, he will never agree to any of it!

Any ones thoughts? Was I to mean?

farkme

Good on you for writing that large piece and getting your feelings out there. Also good on you for providing that list of what you want to change to make things work.

I hate to come across as bitter or nasty but its a shame that he seems to have ignored your feelings again and focusing on what he wants and his feelings. It sounds as if he hasn't learnt to be considerate of your feelings yet so trying to pursue the relationship would be a waste of time.

jazzmale29

Well I have to agree with you Farkme. I was just thinking what you said right before I came back here. Of course I have not heard back from him. I have never been his priority and even if I went back to him I would never be the priority. I am so glad that after 3 weeks I hear from him wanting me back, what a farce. He just needs someone to take his trash out, read his mail, clean up, do his laundry and drive him wherever he wants to go and I have a feeling that would be me if I went back. I know for a fact that he would never agree to my conditions and I am not backing down. I am not a mean person and I hope my conditions weren't too mean but I am tired of the bullshit. And I am moving on and I agree that pursuing the relationship would just be a waste of time, more drama, more hurt and abuse. I am sure that in a couple of days or weeks he will try again and this time I don't plan on responding to his text or call. I wonder how many other people will fall for his crap. He has never had a long-term relationship. I was told by William that he had two different guys he was in a short term relationship pack their stuff and walk out while Lee was at the store or sleeping and never said a word to him. You think by now that Lee would have learned his lesson. Like I said I am sorry he is blind and having a rough go at it since I am no longer in his world, but honestly he did that to himself. Some people never learn and keep making the same mistakes over and over again and that is called insanity. I am not going to make the same mistake ever again…I guess you can say I have grown and learned my lesson on this one.

farkme

No you wasn't mean at all in your list of 'demands' which aren't even really demands or conditions at all. You just want to have a normal relationship

:hug:

jazzmale29

I promised myself not to be mean or hateful to him or lower myself down to his level so I needed advice as to if I were mean or not…come to think of it Farkme I guess I have grown a set of balls and don't plan on backing down on the changes that need to be made. I think he realizes that I have taken the focus off of him and made myself the priority (which I should have done to begin with). I appreciate your response. :hug2:

PumpingMuscl

@jazzmale29:

I promised myself not to be mean or hateful to him or lower myself down to his level so I needed advice as to if I were mean or not…come to think of it Farkme I guess I have grown a set of balls and don't plan on backing down on the changes that need to be made. I think he realizes that I have taken the focus off of him and made myself the priority (which I should have done to begin with). I appreciate your response. :hug2:

wow you're saying everything I went through a year ago I was also in a relationship with a guy who took advantage of me and just wanted me to do everything for him even though I wasn't his priority at all I was so in love with the guy that I wasn't thinking about myself at all he pushed me away more than once just to make me feel bad and then he would take me back after a couple of weeks or a month then one day we had a stupid fight and he again pushed me away so I took it this time and never came back he tried to take me back and suddenly became SO SWEET and kind so I can fall for him again but my feelings were already gone and like you said I changed and made myself my priority the thing is you don't wanna be mean and hateful to him but want it or not you're gonna be the bad guy in the story they will never understand why you wanna walk away and you're gonna end up being the bitch after all. I didn't give a fuck if I'm gonna look like the unfaithful bitch I didn't take him back after the many sweet things he was doing to convince me. so you can say yea I also grow a set of balls and I'm happy that I learned a lot from this experience and you should too

jazzmale29

Hey PumpingMuscl are you sure we weren't with the same guy? :cheers: Lee would do the same identical thing to me. He would be mean and ugly to me while I was doing everything I could for him. He would push me away, I would leave and then he would be so sweet and nice and beg me to come back. He would put the blame on me for something that was not even my fault. Here is a fine example: When William was still living with Lee and I, we went to the store one Saturday morning, it was July 4th weekend, and Lee wanted to get a grill so I could make barbecue for the holiday. We pulled up at Walmart, William helped Lee out of the car and gave him a shopping cart. William continued to lead Lee with the shopping cart and I followed behind. When we got into the garden department where the grills were, William started to grab Lees hand and let Lee feel the grills (remember lee is blind). The way the two of them were acting it was almost like a sexual experience of William gently stroking Lees hand while he guided Lee to touch all of the grills. After about 10 minutes of this, I excused myself and told them I was going to go sit in the car and wait for them to come to finish the shopping. About 15 minutes later, here they come to the car, they didn't buy anything and did not continue shopping. They got in the car and Lee asked what was wrong. I went off on both of them saying that I was just the 3rd wheel here and what happened at the store upset me. That if I am "supposedly" Lee's partner then I should be showing him and leading / guiding him. I told William that Lee and I were trying to have a relationship (which he knew) and he needed to but out. When we got back to Lee's apartment, Lee ask me to leave telling me I was mean and I should have kept my mouth shut, he asked me to leave. I told Lee that if anyone should leave it should be William. He told me to get out. So I got some clothes, grabbed my laptop and left. Two weeks later, Lee starts begging me to come back, he was so sweet and kind, promised me this would never happen again and told me things would be different, un-huh, so I went back just to have this same thing (in different ways) happen about 3 more times, I would leave, he would beg me to come back. This time is different and I will not compromise how I feel or what changes need to take place. Of course, I have still not heard from him and I truly think this is a good thing because it would end up being the same scenario over and over again with him. Like I said, about 2 weeks from now, he will start texting and begging, this time it will be ignored. I am glad you learned and you decided not to be the pin cushion and I am not going to be the victim anymore either. Again, as stated before, I feel sorry for Lee because he pushes people out of his life for no reason, he is blind, he needs someone but it is his own fault that he has no one. I seriously believe he has something more wrong with him than being blind. I honestly feel like he needs some type of psychiatric counselling or help. Live and Learn and I learned my lesson in a very hard way….NEVER AGAIN !

jazzmale29

Okay, I just remembered another time so I have to add another example of Lee's crazy behavior and how I was treated. How about getting kicked out of the house over a stupid can of green beans. OMFG!! This was once again while William was living with us. We had gone grocery shopping. Even though Lee is blind he can maneuver around the kitchen very well and he can cook. When we got home from the grocery store Lee realized he forgot to tell me we needed green beans. He planned the Sunday dinner, so I suggested we have another side instead. He said make sure you get "Green Giant" green beans. I went back to the store and of course they were out of green giant green beans, so I got 2 cans of "Libbys" green beans. I got home with the cans and set the on the counter. William comes into the kitchen, gets the beans out of the bag and Lee said are those "Green Giant" brand and William said no they are "libbys". Lee goes off and bitches me out, well this is just going to ruin the green bean casserole I had planned, I only use "Green Giant" brand. He told me I was stupid and I should go back to the store and exchange them or find them somewhere else. I refused. He told me that if I could not do what he wanted that I needed to leave. He was mean to me over a stupid can of green beans. I did leave and of course a week later he was apologizing and was so sweet and kind and begged me to come back, which I did (I should have known then, this was before I completely moved in with him, furniture and all). I know one thing I will not miss for sure, is going grocery shopping with him. It was a nightmare and I dreaded it. I always tried to make a list of what he wanted and he would make another list in his head or change what was on my list. We would start shopping and we would get some items and then he would say, oh, I need milk (for example), I said well we are on the other end of the store and we will get it when we get over there…He would say, no, lets go get it now, so we would trek from one end of the store to the other end back and forth, back and forth. What should have been a 30 minute shopping trip turned into 2 or 3 hours of walking from one end of the store to the other. Finally I decided it would be best if I just went to get the groceries by myself and when I would get home he would say, wow how did you do that so fast.....SOME CRAZY SHIT!

jazzmale29

I figured I would get more comments… :cry2:

brianboru72

If he hasn't responded to your conditions by now, it's best to chalk it up to experience and move on.

There's times it's better to be single than be stuck in a bad relationship. Reconnect with family and friends over the Thanksgiving holidays and count the good things in your life you can be thankful for.