Am I Ugly?
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This is why we all say that you should put more effort on your appearance AKA the way you present yourself to strangers. No one says that you're not attractive on the inside, I'm pretty sure you are a really cool guy to spend time with! But, realistically looking at it, external appearance matters. The cover DOES matter. Because no matter how beautiful you are on the inside or how attractive your brain and soul are, when you first meet a person, the only thing you really KNOW about them is what they look like. It's the only thing you can actually believe that is true about the other person. And you may say, "well, I also provide info on my profile about my interests and such". And you are true. But just because someone provides that kind of info for themselves, that doesn't make other people 100% sure that this is true. You'll only find out about a person's character, humor, and inside world only when you meet them in person. And until that happens, you have to attract by whatever you've left: APPEARANCE. It's harsh and unfair to most people that this is the first thing that meeting others focuses on, but it's reality. And honestly, I do believe it's not really bad that we focus on that either: Appearance tells a lot about ourselves. The way we dress, the way we stand, the way we smile. By looking at a person's fashion, hairstyle, posture, gestures, facial expressions, way of walking, etc, you can tell many things about them. People who choose to wear suits are different from people who wear jeans on the same circumstances. Smiling in pictures makes you appear more extrovert, serious face is more introverted. Having a neat haircut, that is stylized to perfection shows a perfectionist. A more carefree person would also have a more carefree hairstyle. The colors that we wear, or the colors of the pictures that we upload on dating sites and/or social media (color vs grayscale) also plays an important role on how we affect others. It's an entire field of science and psychology behind uploading a picture on a website for dating. This is why we all give you (as well as any other who might have a similar problem) advice. Because we know it's hard, and thus the ones of us that have solved part of the riddle (cause no one has found the perfect picture yet) should help you and anyone else who needs help. Accept other people's advice: sometimes you don't see some things because you are biased and you need others to point it out to you. You don't have to follow the advice if you don't want to, but always accept it, whether it's good or harsh. Cause this is going to make you (and all of us actually) better - not only externally but internally too.
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On sites that allow more than one photo, you can add some with the glasses to show the diversity of how you can look.
I guess the real question is this:Â Assuming a better picture gets you more real-life meetings, is it worth having a few guys feel tricked if it also means someone will be possibly disappointed at first, but stick around long enough to start liking who you are?
I have done that before, where I have had pictures with and without. The whole thing seems deceiving to me. If I was the type of person who wore glasses 90% of the time, but didn't here and there, I can see getting away with it. You wouldn't be tricking anyone. But the reality is, I wear the glasses 100% of the time.
I try to think about things based on how I would react. If I find someone to not be truthful on day one, I really lose interest. I feel that if someone cannot be truthful when there is nothing invested, imagine how easy and often it is going to be that they will be dishonest in a friendship / relationship.
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ffuck, I love how you are really over thinking this, as most people just swipe left or right, and get on with their life. If it is by chance appearance to the degree you are talking about, then only a very select few people would have relationships. There would be signs saying "those who don't hit the gym everyday need not apply".
Maybe people here aren't being truthful. You cannot tell me that I not not unattractive, yet say that reason I am not getting communication is due to my appearance. If my appearance is attractive, there is nothing wrong with it. I am at a reasonable weight, and who cares that I have glasses and longer hair. Can you honestly say there is no one out there that likes glasses and longer hair? I am saying that I am having no success with guys I like, and maybe it is because of that. The bigger issue is, I am having trouble with guys in general. No one seems to be into me. And if people are saying I am not unattractive, what is the cause?
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I think more importantly than answering your question would be to figure out why you asked…
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I think more importantly than answering your question would be to figure out why you asked…
I came out in college when I was 21. While I wasn't fully invested in finding a relationship, I did my share of looking. I had friends and want to parties, I was only the earlier versions of dating sites, and tried making whatever connections I could. I was never given an opportunity.
As time went on the trend continued. Over the years I have been on about 15 different dating sites and apps. I usually get about one message a year, and only one or two from messages I have sent. Those conversations don't last long, as I think they are mostly trying to be polite
I lived in another major gay city, where I went out about three times a week. Within that year I was given almost zero attention.
I am 32 and want to break the cycle. I know people that aren't unattractive, but aren't what you guys describe that I need to be. Yet they get ten times more attention on these sites than I do. So I want to know what is wrong with me. Why am I undateable, or even unworthy to get to know? I don't think that, but others obviously do if I keep getting rejected for over 10 years.
I ask if I am ugly simply to get an outsider perspective. To see if who I am physically is just that unappealing.
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I got ur problem, u seems too much contradiction and complicated. Dude let me tell u the truth u are not ugly, let the life going on its way
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I'm not ugly, but no one wants me? Hmmmm
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Please do not take what I'm about to say the wrong way as I do not mean to be offensive…
Given your facial features and the type of lenses that you require, I would be inclined to suggest perhaps a different kind of frame. Since you have a more rounded face, I would be inclined to recommend staying away from a rounded frame. In your case, I honestly don't think that the rounded frame suits your facial characteristics, largely because it draws more attention to the glasses than the beauty of the face under them. In your case, the round frame matched up against your facial structure sticks out like a sore thumb IMHO.
Don't get me wrong.... I'm definitely NOT saying that there's anything wrong with your face... Quite the opposite actually. What's under the glasses looks mighty fine to me. I just think that with your facial structure, that style of frame off-sets your overall image when compared to your facial structure by making your face under it almost look out of proportion (particularly in the cheek area), which to a lot of people (especially the shallow ones) can make you appear to be less intelligent than you actually are. I would be inclined to recommend a more squared frame, since it will not only help to make the glasses look better fitted to your face (without looking out of place), but it will also help to give you a much more sophisticated look. Also, the more squared frames would be a better fit to your facial structure, which will make them not look like they're out of place. In all honesty, I think the style of your frames looking so small compared to your facial structure, making both the glasses and your cheeks almost seem to look like they're out of place may be what is repelling people.
Again, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with your face (because there most definitely is NOT), it's just that those particular frames don't compliment your facial features the way that they should, rather than clashing with your facial structure by making them almost look too small to fit your face, which I think is what makes them look out of place. With more squared frames, the lenses themselves would not only be that slight little bit larger, but I think they would also help to bring out your cheeks better, and would look like they're better fitted to your face. This would not only help to give you a sophisticated look, but I also think that they'd help to work with your facial features, bring out your cheeks more without making them appear to be so rounded, and most of all, would make them look more like they belong.
As for the hair, I must say... I'm not normally one to take a liking to guys with long hair, but with your facial features, I can honestly say that you're one of the few guys who I've seen who can actually rock the long hair and work it, rather than just looking like a drag queen with a 5-o'clock shadow. So... To bottom line it, no... You are not ugly... I think the problem is that your glasses are not as well suited to your facial features as they otherwise could be, which is what is throwing a lot of people off. If you had glasses that better accented your facial characteristics, I honestly think you'd get a much different response from people because a different frame would complete the ensemble, drawing more attention to the beauty of your face by complementing it, rather than looking like they're out of place.
So again I will say... NO... Your body isn't the problem... It's just that those particular glasses do not do compliment your beautiful face properly. I guess what I'm saying here is that if you can't stay away from the glasses (for reasons that are understandable), you would be better off to go with ones that "accessorize" your face better, thus completing the ensemble in a more sophisticated manner. I think you could totally rock the sexy look by only changing the glasses. Everything else looks damn fine to me. Â ;D
As for feeling out of place like you're turned away by your community no matter where you go, man… do I ever feel your pain. In my case, it's not my looks that do it. The problem that I have is that I live in a more closed minded community, so the second you say that you're HIV+, you'd better be prepared to live in exile.... So trust me when I say that I feel your pain. Far too many people are either way too shallow, or are narrow minded bigots who love nothing more than to judge other people, without even getting to know them. Just know that these judgements that people make reflect more upon the people making them than they do upon yourself. I've cried myself to sleep many a nights at the sheer amount of rejection that I've faced, either because I have gained a little bit of weight, or because I am HIV+. Sooner or later, you will eventually find someone who wants and accepts you for who you are.
For that matter, if you weren't so far away from me (I'm in Southern Ontario, about an hour West of Toronto), quite honestly, I'd jump at the opportunity to meet you and get to know you more. Just know that you're not alone in your feeling of being ugly, or otherwise being a social outcast that nobody wants. I know it's hard to deal with at times, especially with the constant rejection, but don't let that discourage you from trying. I know all too well what it feels like to just give up trying to connect with people for fear of the rejection. I know all too well that you can only get rejected so many times before eventually, it begins to hurt, and you can't help but wonder if you're either ugly, or have some kind of unsightly skin condition like Leprosy, and after a while, it becomes one hell of a bitch of a blow to the self-esteem. Just keep your head high and never lose hope... Eventually, there will be someone out there who accepts you the way you are and wouldn't have it any other way.
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Does the Pope :pope: protect pedaphiles?
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Dude, you're not ugly. In fact, you're someone I'd hang out with. Beauty comes from within. And outwardly, you have nothing to worry about. It's been said that there's someone for everyone. And I truly believe you will find that person. We can all sit here and beat ourselves up about the way we look .. but when it comes down to it, looks are nothing. The heart, in the end, is the only thing that will keep beating through the thicks and the thins of a relationship. You could fall into a vat of acid tomorrow, and looks will fade. But it's the heart, in the end, that will carry you through anything in your life. Keep God first, and keep in prayer. It will happen for you. I'm assured.
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With more squared frames, the lenses themselves would not only be that slight little bit larger, but I think they would also help to bring out your cheeks better, and would look like they're better fitted to your face. This would not only help to give you a sophisticated look, but I also think that they'd help to work with your facial features, bring out your cheeks more without making them appear to be so rounded, and most of all, would make them look more like they belong.
I appreciate the long winded response.
For a minute, just reread what you said above. This could actually be a very valid point. The problem is, I am not so sure most people are looking at a picture and thinking that deeply about what they see. It is typically a "I like it" or "I don't like it". They might go back, study the picture, and come to the same conclusion as well. This though would come after an introductory message has been responded to, or sent off. I never receive that message.
Realize… There is a reason why we live in a swipe right / left dating culture. People want to weed through and get what they want. I might be wrong, but I don't think they take part in many pre-decision analytics.
I know it's hard to deal with at times, especially with the constant rejection, but don't let that discourage you from trying. I know all too well what it feels like to just give up trying to connect with people for fear of the rejection. I know all too well that you can only get rejected so many times before eventually, it begins to hurt, and you can't help but wonder if you're either ugly, or have some kind of unsightly skin condition like Leprosy, and after a while, it becomes one hell of a bitch of a blow to the self-esteem.
I really don't have a fear of rejection. I have been rejected so many times for dates, friendships, and jobs, that I have become most times pretty numb to the process. Sure, it still bothers me, but it never really puts me off from trying again.
The second thing you said is more accurate. After about 10 years of doing this with zero success, you really need to start evaluating yourself. Lets be honest.. there is only a certain degree that you can blame others. And when you have reached the level of dating failure that I have, it is almost obvious that something is going wrong on your end. It might not be that I am ugly, but it is a question that needs to be asked, even more so since family, friends, and supporters are typically not honest about the answer.
I am in therapy (for various reasons), and who I see now is someone that has tons of experience with LGBT couples and dating. I had him as an expert look at my dating profile and pictures, where even he told me that he can't find anything wrong with what I am doing. I have consulted other people as well. No one can figure it out. So this isn't an as much crying in the corner saying "why me", but instead an overwhelming frustration, because I want to fix what is going wrong.
I have lived in Chicago and West Hollywood, two very gay cities. I have gone out to bars in each city, and received very little attention. I have even created fake profiles on dating sites, displaying my actual profile content, but with fake pictures. While I do not respond to messages (I never meant to catfish), they get tons of activity without me doing anything. So really.. if I am not ugly, why are lack of results being determined based on attractiveness?
Maybe it is because I'm into young twinkish guys. I just find it hard to believe that none like an older guy.
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Maybe it is because I'm into young twinkish guys. I just find it hard to believe that none like an older guy.
Ah yes… From my experience, the younger ones are way more narrow-minded and shallow than they were even when I was still just a twinkie. A lot of the ones that I've seen will take one look at the long hair and keep scrolling sadly.
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Not that I am all too interested, but I can't even get a hook up on Grindr.
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You're not ugly.
You are making yourself look "unflattering".
Get a different hair cut. Wear contacts or get better shaped glasses.
Fix the teeth if possible.
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Maybe it is because I'm into young twinkish guys. I just find it hard to believe that none like an older guy.
Oh, yes, this definitely makes a difference. While there are always exceptions, twinks on the whole tend to be oblivious to just how shallow and superficial they can be, according to my observations. Not many (statistically speaking) have the emotional maturity or life experience to see past things like hairstyle, weight, etc.
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If I was able to get passed the introduction phase, I think I could easily rock it. I communicate well, have a set of interests, and so on. My problem is getting the initial introduction. Since they have not talked to me, and do not yet know what I have to offer, physical attractiveness is all they have to go by.
This is exactly why choosing the right picture is important. I know you said you don't want to "trick" guys with your photo, but there is a general understanding in online dating that people choose a profile picture that paints them in the best light. Using a photo in which you are 10 years younger or 30 kg lighter is certainly deceitful to me (unless you have a good reason for using that photo and make it clear that you don't look that way anymore). I think taking off your glasses for a photo to show your face is perfectly acceptable, though. On sites that allow more than one photo, you can add some with the glasses to show the diversity of how you can look.
I guess the real question is this:Â Assuming a better picture gets you more real-life meetings, is it worth having a few guys feel tricked if it also means someone will be possibly disappointed at first, but stick around long enough to start liking who you are?
To answer your question, what started the conversation off with my boyfriend, whom I have not found attractive at first. We corresponded on-line (one of dating sites) for a year… Exchanging a message once every few weeks/months. And I probably would have not met him (we lived far away) on my own initiative. But he wanted to come and meet me up at an airport when I was returning from holidays in my home country. I had to stay at a hotel to take the train next morning. He kind of convinced me to let him stay... (originally I wanted to meet for breakfast)...
And then I found out lots of attractive things about him. He wore very cheap clothes, because he liked to save (impressive). He had an upper class accent as he went to a boarding school. Had a dry sense of humour. Was into a lot of the same things as me - learning, history, politics... He also had a massive cock and knew how to use it. And was super enthusiastic about me. So that's how it began. Later on he became very attractive to me even though he looked 20 years older than his actual age -
I can't really tell from the pictures but do the glasses make your eyes look magnified?.. if so, that kind of effect could be affecting your appearance negatively.
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Do things that improve your confidence in yourself - stop trying to please others - if you spend too much time trying to please others then you get nowhere, in my opinion.
The sexiest men who exude a lack of confidence may seem to get more offers - but those offers get retracted, quite quickly - it is hard to do because extreme arrogance is also a turn off - even in the way you write your profiles online can be telling on your confidence level. Trust in yourself and fake it a little (NO LYING though lol)
be comfortable in your own skin.. treat yourself.. if you are concerned about your hair or your glasses - treat yourself, save the money and change them
Hair is easy to change - go to a hairdresser, one you trust or has good reviews in your area and, without going in to too much detail, explain you are after a new look and ask them for advice on something that would suit you
I wear glasses too - I understand 1000% they are not cheap but I see it like this - They are the only thing we wear every. single. day. of my life (unless you have multiple pairs lol )
I see people complain about glasses costs but then spend $200 on a pair of shoes they wear 3x
invest in yourself - you are not ugly and noone is perfect to everyone - no matter what ppl say
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Gay world is full of drama. I know that one would wonder when a guy you send your pic on grindr says not interested or "you are not my type"…. But the main thing to remember is that "Just be yourself"
Also now a days, you can get a lot of inspiration and ideas from Youtube. There are hundreds of videos posted that shows you how to dress well, how to impress people, how to have clear skin, how to have attractive hairstyle. Just see and make a change for yourself -
A haircut may be in order
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