I’m 35, Gay and Terrified I’ll Be Single Forever
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I have a friend who is always playing the "woe is me, I am single, nobody loves me/thinks about me" tune. He's in his 40s, average looking, but a very nice guy. Every major holiday (or every month or so), he hosts a pity party on Facebook about how he's not invited to parties or doesn't have someone to cuddle on a snowy night. At first it was kind of endearing (barely), but I refuse to coddle him and further promote him being a victim to single status. A mutual friend and I text each other when we see yet another sad FB status update and groan about his unchanging behaviors.
While I can empathize with others feeling hopeless about finding love in today's gay society (which is completely fucked up in many regards for various and obvious reasons), I have no sympathy for those who lament and don't take control over their love life and do something about it. There is someone out there who is going to like a high percentage of what you offer to the table. But you can't rely on Grindr, Scruff, or any social app to do the work for you. At some point one must take ownership over the journey and to not let things fall to chance or in someone else's control.
The cards are stacked against a majority of people dating today. I don't consider myself to be in a category of people most sought after by a majority of men in my city. I'm in my early-mid 30s, and have had 2 serious (short-lived) relationships. Been single for over 3 years now and content with it. Sure, it is nice to have a BF (or at least someone who will plow me consistently), but it's not in the cards for me right now and I don't really have the energy to go through the mental gymnastics to find a boyfriend who isn't an idiot or glued to scrolling on social media apps for immediate attention. I need to overcome a lot of personal hurdles in order for me to even consider being someone's other half. But until then, I won't worry about feeling sorry about myself for being single.
Maybe I will die alone. Maybe I won't. But I'm old enough now to not let it consume my ability to live a life worth living. I am enough until I meet someone who makes me believe wholeheartedly otherwise. [and hopefully before I become too cynical and rebuke love when it smacks me in the face (or his dick)]
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I have a fried just like you. She calls me up all the time complaining that she'll forever be alone and never find a man to love her. So I'm going to give you the same advice I give to her. "Bitch shut your dumbass mouth and open your fucking eyes".
I know it's harsh, but the simple fact is you have a lot of love in your life right now and if you just bitch about what you don't have what you do have will slip away. I'm 32 and single, but hey love could come into my life tomorrow in 5 years or whenever all because I'm open to it. You have family and friends that love you and if you think all that is meaningless just because you don't have a life partner then your entire life will forever be meaningless. No I don't mean you'll never have a boyfriend that still may happen, but no matter how great your relationship you will always look for something better. You could have BF by this time next week but you'll be jealous that he's not as rich as your friends BF or you'll wish they were better looking, or you'll think that he doesn't love you enough because he didn't take you to Hawaii for your birthday. The simple fact is if you want to be happy in your life you have to learn to be happy with your life. Don't sit there and quibble all the things you don't have but just enjoy the things you do. And guess what when you can master that you'll likely attract a special someone into your life. Nobody wants to date a sad sack who's always looking around the corner for something better. You learn to love the life you have and it will show you all the love you need.
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Nobody wants to date a sad sack who's always looking around the corner for something better.
I don't get this part… Are you saying that we just need to be in denial, singing “don't worry be happy” all the time while we punish ourselves whenever we feel the ambition of wanting more in life? Bc that would be just being conformist and I wouldn't advice that to nobody.
If you meant something different, please explain it further so I could understand. The way you wrote it seems confusing.
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The way I understood it is that he meant not being the kind of person who will be in a relationship while keeping an eye out for the next better prospect and jumping ship the minute someone hotter or better comes along.
Wanting more and better is good for some things, but if you apply that to a relationship then it might wind up that you'll never be happy and have a long term connection with one person.
If I'm wrong, QCDelights can just clarify.
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The way I understood it is that he meant not being the kind of person who will be in a relationship while keeping an eye out for the next better prospect and jumping ship the minute someone hotter or better comes along.
Wanting more and better is good for some things, but if you apply that to a relationship then it might wind up that you'll never be happy and have a long term connection with one person.
If I'm wrong, QCDelights can just clarify.
Well, it sounds better the way you put it. Hope that he meant that, then.
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brianboru72 got it right. I mean to say that people are attracted to positive people. Someone who is always constantly complaining about what they don't have is no fun to be around. It is not conformist to simply enjoy the life you have especially when you have so much to enjoy. I'm not saying that you can't strive for more in life I'm just saying that if you're the kind of person who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side then nothing will ever be good enough for you and you spend your entire life trying to find the unattainable. Hey I'd love to have Channing Tatum in my bed right now, but it's not getting me down that's he's not. If you let what you don't have keep you down then you'll never get up. Cause no matter what there will always be something you don't have.
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I find what this guy says this very interesting.
First of all he expresses an uncomfortable situation in a clear and forthright manner,
looking like someone with a weak personality in this context is almost taken for granted.Then he helps us in understand something of ourselves:
we spend lots of time online looking for a soul mate who seems impossible to find in the real world,
(not all gay people live in large cities where homosexuality is accepted and practiced freely).The more time we spend in chatting and hooking up with internet people we don't know,
the more our psychology will be weaker, and as a result we will feel lonely, empty.Once stood the streets and gay neighborhoods,
now there are online planned quickies.Less paranoia, another porno, less chatting.
He definitely needs to hang out with someone he really knows .
A new surprise >:D is waiting ! YOU :an2: -
If you let what you don't have keep you down then you'll never get up. Cause no matter what there will always be something you don't have.
It's an improvement in the explanation, certainly. Thanks for clarifying.
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@Sam:
I’m 35, Gay and Terrified I’ll Be Single Forever
As a gay man, the older I get, the more afraid I am nobody will want me.Honestly, I can’t believe I’m sharing this with you – let alone typing it on my desktop. There’s no easy way to do this I guess but just blurt it out.
I’m a 35-year old gay man who is terrified of being single forever.
That may seem like a silly thing to say. But reading it on my desktop now makes it even more real. Honest to God, with each passing day, it feels like my worst fears are coming true.
I guess what sparked my anxiety is a recent comment a friend from yester-year made to me when we ran into each other at a bar.
“I can’t believe you’re still single!”
Has anyone ever told you that? Did it make you feel like crap? I’m sure there was no malice intended behind those words but they cut like a knife just the same. My mind translates it into: Why haven’t you got your s*hit together yet?
The older I get, the more alone I feel. Whenever I look around, another one of my friends is getting married. And if they aren’t getting hitched, they are at least involved with someone.
Some are gay and some are straight but all of them have somebody.
All of them – except for me.
Can I be honest with you? What really scares the crap out of me is that I’m not getting any younger. When I was in my 20’s, I could attract guys like a magnet. Now-a-days, when a guy looks my way, it’s a rarity.
Back then, I used to believe it when people would say, “Don’t rush into anything – one day the right guy will come along.”
I keep wondering when “someday” will arrive.
Please don’t think I’m whining. I love my life. I have a strong set of friends, a great dog and a wonderful family. And it’s not like I don’t put myself out there. I totally do!
I’m on OK Cupid, Match, Hornet and even a few of the hook up apps for good measure. I go to gay related charity events and am no stranger to the bars.
But it just seems like each time I start seeing a guy, it goes nowhere. Oh sure, we might go out on a few dates and have some laughs. But after a while, things fizzle out.
A lot of the guys I meet are just flakes – looking for “someone better” I guess. It sucks because I’m one of those gays who truly wants to be in a relationship and build something special, like a family, you know?
I don’t think I’m ugly either. I may not turn everyone’s head when I walk into a room but I’m not hideous. Just an average looking gay man who tries to take care of himself.
Is it just me or does it seem like once you get into your middle 30’s, the pressure to couple up starts mounting. Kind of like a ticking alarm clock that you know will eventually go off and scream: Times up!
I’ve had boyfriends in the past. Some relationships went on longer than others. Does 2-years count as “long term?” Because that’s my high point.
I guess my biggest fear now is that nobody is going to want to date an aging gay who has little history of “being” with someone.
You want honesty right. I’m giving it to you.
And it’s not like I’m horrible in bed or anything. The guys I’ve been with certainly haven’t complained. Without being graphic, I’m pretty versatile. I recognize that sex is an important part of most relationships.
But having sex and making love are two different things. I so badly want someone to top me like that give a s*hit, not like I’m some cheap piece of trade.
I’m tired of hooking up with men who are sexual robots; men who wouldn’t know real passion if it hit them on the head. I want a man who wants love. A man who can be vulnerable. Someone who wants to love back.
Maybe it’s me. Perhaps my expectations are just messed up. All I require is authenticity and a desire to let someone in. That’s what I try to do when I’ve met other men.
But it’s not turning out that way.
All I keep finding are guys who are looking for “the one”. They have it in their mind that it’s got to be a “match” on the first date – period.
Doesn’t it take more than just one cup of coffee or one meal to get to know somebody?
In a few weeks it will be my 36th birthday. In gaydom, that doesn’t make me “ancient” but I am creeping towards “older”. What’s sick about it is that in the straight world, 36 is considered young.
WTF am I going to do if I’m still single at 40? Will other gay men think I’m toxic because I’m still “available”? Deep inside, I kind bet that’s exactly what they’ll think.
I’m not giving up. Hopefully, I’ll meet someone soon. But the clock is ticking.
Have you ever felt like that?
What did you do?
no need to be terrified about being singe at 35 i was back then and now 45 and a few months ago unexpectantely i met this great guy. He 27 was on trip to Manchester and he appeared and i have not looked back since. We chat every day either i travel or he does every month so there is hope for anyone no matter what age ;D
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I had this insightful post lined up earlier while under the influence (yet focused!) to QCDelight's commentary and exploring current issues in gay social norms and such. I'm glad I didn't post it because I started to sound like a cynical, bitter old queen.
Ultimately, the only way to combat these fears of loneliness is to work towards strengthening your own character and to not undervalue or overvalue your self-worth in the community. Don't settle for less than what you deserve, be honest with what you want, and don't be a douchebag and treat others like crap. Set the example and someone will take notice and be interested. But never expect an outcome because any manipulations made to increase your chances will taint the results.
In this era of swipe left/swipe right/who else is nearby mentality, it's all about instant gratification and a continuous and vicious cycle of social ladder jumping. I'm guilty of perpetuating the cycle and basking in the glory of thrill of the chase, but easily dismissing the reward once achieved. The grass is never greener on the other side. It's just that people are not honest with themselves about what they want and they play all sorts of games to rationalize their behavior and avoid facing reality. Oh and #FOMO. No one wants to be left behind.
It's not easy taking control over your own destiny and life, but it needs to be done if you want something that badly. Relying on chance (or worse, someone else) to make you happy is naive and lazy.
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no need to be terrified about being singe at 35 i was back then and now 45 and a few months ago unexpectantely i met this great guy. He 27 was on trip to Manchester and he appeared and i have not looked back since. We chat every day either i travel or he does every month so there is hope for anyone no matter what age ;D
Well done! :love:
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Why!? Don't waste your time thinking about that, my uncle's ex was 60 and after 20 years of widowhood for his life partner died he started something new and by the time we broke up they were living together, 2 years already, it's up to you to meet someone, do your best, get to know deeply that person and be sure you want to comitt yourself to a relationship, I don't it's easy for it's not, this is my first relationship after 2009, I tried several ones after but they all backfired and I can now tell I was wasting my time in all of them, he is 10 years my younger and I can say for sure he worths more than all of them put together and even more, I rejected him 3 times before I finally concede to try, and do you know why I did it? Last year after several months of being dizzy, hearing a permanent noise on my left ear I was dyagnosed a brain tumor, a big one, 2 cm and growing, 12 hours in an OR and here I am, I lost the ability to move half of my face, I got deaf on that side and he is still here, we fight from time to time but he stood by me as I do for him, we are there for each other and just because I tought those might be my last days I gave him a chance, you see, I could have got 4 more years instead of this mere 18 months but I didn't know back then but now I do, so you see, nothing is written in stone and yes, as they say, it does not end until the fat lady sings so stop b**ching about it, man up, smile and do your best for the person you want might be out there. It's up to you to finally do all you can to get to the point of meeting him, sorry if I got a bit lyrical.
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It's a bit too long to get the meaning, long sentences and new word, I need a dictionary to read it over. Maybe I need print it and read carefully,
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The only thing I have to say is that your mid-30s is definitely NOT considered old or even close to old in gay circles (in fact you're not even close to old for general society either). I believe that what you're having is a life crisis. You suddenly become more aware of what is happening around you, and any "bad" thing in your life becomes more prominent. It's definitely not a fun phase, but it will eventually go away. It's a normal thing that happens to most people when we reach certain points in our lives: first crisis comes a bit after graduating high-school and starting being an adult: you suddenly realize how big the world is and what a vast variety of options and possibilities exist for you to discover. The second crisis is your middle 20s, where you reach a point you suddenly stop your experimentation, and have that "what the hell am I doing" moment of realization. That phase is usually the one where we put down all different experiences and things we have done, and try to find which ones are the ones we should go with and which ones to discard and just keep them as memories. Last, once you reach your middle 30s, you stop again. And I'm still on my second life crisis, but I have a lot of people around me who have reached that third phase, some of them long time ago, and I have a feeling of what it may be like for you. It's that phase, the one you get that "shouldn't I have settled down already?" moment hit you. But the answer to this question is not always "yes". Just because you have been on this planet for three decades and a bit, it doesn't mean you should have already found "home". Keep searching. Keep experimenting. Keep looking into new stuff to try, and never be afraid of doing something new, even if doesn't feel completely right. Start seeing yourself in a different way, and that will make others see you in a different way too. "But when will love come?", you may ask. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in 10 years from now, maybe never. But that shouldn't make you feel sad! Cause, yes, loneliness might be scary, but solitude in the romantic area doesn't equal loneliness. You were not born to eternally try to find your "special other". You were born to live your life at it's fullest, create your own philosophy, gain as much experience as you can, meet as many people as you can, and maybe, MAYBE, one of those people will be the romantic partner you will share the rest of your life with. Once you make this clear to yourself and you accept it fully, only, and ONLY then you will be ready to get out of this crisis and continue your life-long journey
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