Is coming out necessary at all? what is coming out actually?

2222

At this risk of revealing too much personal information, here's part of my life story:

I've known I felt urges towards other boys for pretty much all my life. I remember having a huge crush on a boy at age 6 in grade one. I somehow also knew for all my life that other people didn't always accept that I liked boys, so I sought to control who knew and/or who found out. I didn't tell anyone myself prior to meeting my first love interest. And what I told him was: I'm curious to explore these feelings, but I don't want anyone else to know.

I think it hurt him deeply, over our four year relationship, that I didn't want anyone to know how we felt about each other. My not being out to my parents while still living at home, denied him full inclusion into my family at special occasions (such as family dinners for birthday parties and special days like Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.) He was there, yes, but the reason for him being there was never disclosed, and I always had another person there, a woman, to cover. (She was actually older, closer in age to my mother, and I suspect my mom may have thought, for a time, I was a cougar chaser :blink: ) In the end, my not being out ended our relationship… or was a major stress factor that heavily contributed to the breakup.

Shortly after we broke up, I came out to my mom. On "National Coming Out Day" no less. It took me quite a while to spit out the words to my mom... and in the process she was kinda worried about what I was trying to say. When I finally got it out... she said: Is that all?? I was worried you'd killed someone or something! (I think she was joking... but her point was unmistakable: I was still her son and she was going to accept me as I was.)

Since that time, I have still tired to control who knows. Maybe I am a control freak, or maybe I don't want people gossiping about me... to this day I still don't know why I care who knows?!? I do know I was fired from a job, more or less because of it, although of course they didn't say that when they said "Nick, it's just not working out..." after 3 years of nothing but great feedback but shortly after they found out about my sexuality. There are still many days when I think I am treated differently because of it... but the truth is even if I didn't tell them, they'd probably still suspect and treat me differently if that was their inclination. The older you get, the harder it gets for others to not see something different about you. (Than the supposed 90% of society that is not GBLTQ.)

So the long and the sort of it... for me is this. You HAVE to come out to yourself. Say the words "I'm gay" (or bi or whatever) to yourself in private... learn to accept yourself. When you're comfortable with that... decide if you want to tell anyone else... but if you do, be prepared to help them realize why you want them to know... so they can accept you as you have accepted yourself.

:true:
:hapgay:

DilfLover1

coming out is a personal experience and decision. me PERSONALLY, decided to come out and it's been AWESOME. however, I believe that if u don't want to come out to certain people, u shouldn't have to. it's really no ones business until u decide to let them know. some people are just private people, and that's ok.

Speedmaster8

@NickGWM:

At this risk of revealing too much personal information, here's part of my life story:

I've known I felt urges towards other boys for pretty much all my life. I remember having a huge crush on a boy at age 6 in grade one. I somehow also knew for all my life that other people didn't always accept that I liked boys, so I sought to control who knew and/or who found out. I didn't tell anyone myself prior to meeting my first love interest. And what I told him was: I'm curious to explore these feelings, but I don't want anyone else to know.

I think it hurt him deeply, over our four year relationship, that I didn't want anyone to know how we felt about each other. My not being out to my parents while still living at home, denied him full inclusion into my family at special occasions (such as family dinners for birthday parties and special days like Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.) He was there, yes, but the reason for him being there was never disclosed, and I always had another person there, a woman, to cover. (She was actually older, closer in age to my mother, and I suspect my mom may have thought, for a time, I was a cougar chaser :blink: ) In the end, my not being out ended our relationship… or was a major stress factor that heavily contributed to the breakup.

Shortly after we broke up, I came out to my mom. On "National Coming Out Day" no less. It took me quite a while to spit out the words to my mom... and in the process she was kinda worried about what I was trying to say. When I finally got it out... she said: Is that all?? I was worried you'd killed someone or something! (I think she was joking... but her point was unmistakable: I was still her son and she was going to accept me as I was.)

Since that time, I have still tired to control who knows. Maybe I am a control freak, or maybe I don't want people gossiping about me... to this day I still don't know why I care who knows?!? I do know I was fired from a job, more or less because of it, although of course they didn't say that when they said "Nick, it's just not working out..." after 3 years of nothing but great feedback but shortly after they found out about my sexuality. There are still many days when I think I am treated differently because of it... but the truth is even if I didn't tell them, they'd probably still suspect and treat me differently if that was their inclination. The older you get, the harder it gets for others to not see something different about you. (Than the supposed 90% of society that is not GBLTQ.)

So the long and the sort of it... for me is this. You HAVE to come out to yourself. Say the words "I'm gay" (or bi or whatever) to yourself in private... learn to accept yourself. When you're comfortable with that... decide if you want to tell anyone else... but if you do, be prepared to help them realize why you want them to know... so they can accept you as you have accepted yourself.

I really adore what NickGWM mentioned here and fully agree to it… and for this words, I really would like to hold him in my arms for a moment ( nonono... there is no sexual meaning to that ^^ ) :hug:

DilfLover1

it's always nice when people genuinely care

Masonmason

Coming out is not a requirement if your happy and satisfied then be happy if you long to tell youlr friend about that horrible date because has a wife or whatever then you feel a need to come out. However if there is no burden you don't much care about lieing etc then there is no reason to come out. To live the Hetero lie is a safe bet maybe not the happiest but definitely the safest. Coming out matters n how it affects your life and relationships with other people. It tends to be best to be prepared for rejection but DON'T EXPECT IT. You'd be surprised what a life long friend or a parent will react even if it conflicts with their base assumptions and beliefs. If you feel any kind of shame attached to being gay ten you need to come out to someone those feelings need to be worked through be it a friend a parent a sibling a councilor whatever shame builds up over time and can harm your ability to be happy without you even realizing it.
Personally I would never advocate for admitting to being gay in an employment situation nor at a friends social situation. It's not so much do I care if i offend someone its am I prepared to lose my job am I prepared for the redneck down the street to key my car etc. If your prepared for the possible consequences then its a no brainer if your not well just be aware things can happen.

Masonmason

@raphjd:

Why live the hetero lie?

There are plenty of situation in which it is necessary or more comfortable from being the child of a hardcore conservative catholic to living in a town or country where it is illegal or so taboo that violence could result. Living the Hetero lie is not always because you feel shame or your in the closet it might simply be a logical decision.

ColinTNM

@raphjd:

Why live the hetero lie?

There's a difference between not coming out and living a lie.

imagine: you date guys, you introduce your boyfriends to your friends and family - but you never sit anyone down and reveal "the big secret"
want to know what happens? absolutely nothing. Nobody gives a damn that you're gay because you don't give a damn. it's 2015 and it's completely normal.

being gay isn't unusual and it doesn't make you special, so we should stop treating it so, then everyone else will follow suit. You don't have to "come out" to be open and proud of who you are, it's really not that big of deal.

myrea

Coming out isn't really about your sexuality, it's about you reaching a state inside of you, you do not care about who tries to put you down you advance forward with found serenity and respect, you build a path you want and not the one people think is best for you.

LEVI

As others have said coming out is more about you than anybody else. It is about accepting yourself and being proud of who you are.

Some people find that they need to tell others about themselves and whom they sleep with or are attractive to. Other find that it is nobodies business but their own.

Really does any other group of people stand up and say who they are attracted to and whom they wish to sleep with.

gradguy23

It is not what it used to be, but I think coming out can reinforce how you are feeling emotionally and how you come into contact with others. It is an individual thing, so don't feel pressured.

myrea

Also and this must be said, it's individual but also group and community related, if you come out you increase visibility to all and you might help someone else.

jerrygee

To me, besides the visibility for everyone, the bottom line is, if i was your best friend, and i found out you'd been dating guys for 5 years, especially if i found out from someone else, and you hadn't told me… i would be really pissed off, and really hurt. it would cause major damage to the friendship. cuz id feel betrayed and that i couldnt trust you anymore. not cuz you're gay, but cuz you kept a major part of your life secret from the guy that's supposed to be your best friend. so its like i didnt really know you well at all.

huhuhuhu7

There is such a load on coming out and it really leaves much to the imagination of the people you are coming out to. It also really depends on how you come out. In essence you are telling them you are humping guys. But if you tell them you have been dating this guy, that wants to meet them, then it all becomes more real and they may understand that you and the guy you're dating are just regular dudes.

WoD

For me is like this: is it making your life incomplete of fakeish to not "come out"? Are the people who you are afraid to hurt or drive away worth keeping at your side anyway? Is it gonna bring you problems, can it means violence towards you?
One´s gonna pick his fights and choose what it makes one feels better in the first place, can´t live the life others choose for himself and stuff. :closet:
You gotta be sincere with yourself in the first place, rennounce all your own prejudices and free yourself to do what you like, to enjoy life, to be yourself however you feel comfortable to be.

datch

"what is coming out actually?" In my opinion, it means being open (at least to 'close' people) about your sexual preferences. It is mostly about feeling free in trusted settings. For example: At my parents home, a trusted place, I really want to be able to take my boyfriend with me. On the other hand, on my study, very few people know about me having a boyfriend. But, I don't care because it is not really relevant anyway in that setting. So a coming out restricts (in my opinion) to people that you care about (and care about you).

"Is coming out necessary at all?" Abstractly, the answer should be: no; in a perfect world, people don't care about one's sexual preference. Unfortunately, heteronormativity is really strong in the real world, implying that most people around you expect you to be straight and sometimes even want you to be straight. This results in not feeling free to express homosexual feelings, what most people experience when they are still in the closet.
Also, socially, the answer is: no. If one can cope with less freedom around loved ones (family, friends), and seperate this part of one's life completely from the 'homosexual part' (for a undefinite time), a coming out is not necessary. However, most people cannot endure this, and chose either for a coming out, either for a full seperation from family and the old friends.

jjevvann

some ppl feel a huge burden lifted of their chest when they come out - declaring their sexuality to friends or family and u know that it has bugged them to keep it a secret. this is what i have been told.

i am still in the closet and i dont feel the slightest weight being carried. if at all, i just find it annoying when ppl try to set me up with some random woman. at that point i wish i can tell i am gay. but that means they might start setting me up with random man. which is also sthing i dont want.

guess its to each his own. having said that - have had gay guys tell me that i should come out and be visible and not hide. annoying as f***.

JACK777

jjevvann you should be thankful that where you are from, your life is not at risk because you are gay. If it is a threat to your existence then you can never tell anyone. Otherwise letting people who are close to you know who you are is something which does help but then not all the time. Especially if they are super conservative.

antstorm

it should be a personal thing , no one has the right to pass judgement on any person because they did or did not come out.
what really angers me is those that force or "out" people , they to me are the lowest scum.

wittysimba

@Illabey:

i have been wondering what is comin out … is it telling family and frends that you are gay .?
i have never told any of my family or straight friends that i'm gay..... but i have been dating guyz for 5 yrs now, and had been in 2 relationships ... and that works for me, my best frend also duxnt knw im gay ... i have managed somehow to live a happy.

Necessary? No.
Worthwhile? Perhaps.

All I can say, that in my opinion you dont need to "come out", you need to "not hide".
Someone asks if youre gay / bi / whatsoever - say yes.
You have a new boyfriend? Tell it to your friend!
I can't guarantee you will have always a positive response, but believe me, the true friends will be shown.

birendradjan

I live in a country where being gay is a big sin. When I was younger I told one of my sister and some of my friends that I am gay. They are good people. They accept that but they also hope that someday "I will be cured".

Now I think I don't need to tell. Like one has said, it is none of their business. I don't tell, I don't deny. It is my personal thing. People has personal things.

If coming out make this life change into the life where I can hold my boy friend in public without people starring at us, my family are welcome when my boyfriend visit them, my straight friends are OK when I kiss my boyfriend in front of them, I will do that for sure. But it won't happen. So I choose to go on my romance and my sexual life happily and personally.