19 years old and so confused - Need some advices
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Hello.
Don't be ashamed if you like men.
TBH most peoples first times start with them being virgins. People who are different are generally treated like garbage. Please don't let the ignorance of others scare you or get into your mental space.
I understand your confused, but assuming that gay=effeminate is incorrect. Also to equate femininity as being not normal is not ok either. To be normal means that you are alive. That's it, because normalcy is a vague term. I will agree with what the others say, that you should really just discover yourself. It sounds that you are using societal views and stereotypes to define what your feeling. That will only make it harder, because in the end only you know who you truly are and what you want. Do not use grindr…not when your not sure about yourself. yes you might meet friends, but that site is first and foremost for hooking up, dating and friendships...in that order. Try finding lgbt friendly places, groups or events. Like PFLAG, Straight and Gay Alliences, etc. Be discreet if your not sure, by that i mean events outside of your town, if possible, or google(for lack of better input) and connect with a forum. There is so much information out there in health clinics and online, just take it at your own pace.
Guilt is common, people feel guilty when there is nothing to be guilty about. We've all been lied to that being gay is immoral. it's understandable to feel guilty when that has been repeated to us since childhood. Never feel guilty for who you are or what you like(except murder and such). Make the effort not to make it so sexual. Attraction is not all sexual...you mak like the way a guy smiles, how he smells. Try not to look at how you feel about whatever gender you feel attracted to solely through sex. its adding to the confusion. it's important to feel your way through what you're feeling, but test it on different levels, not just sexual. News flash, anybody can cum to any porn. Your hand and imagination is providing the stimulus, that the porn isn't providing, but it sounds like you have an idea anyway.
That guy is still a jerk...there are nice jerks. it sucks you lost it to someone, who didn't realize that you are more than a one night stand. it wasn't wrong or a mistake, it was a learning experience. This is why grindr is not the best thing.
I still never had sex with a girl. And i'm so confused because i'm not sure if i'm bissexual or if i'm just a gay trying to have the excuse "i like girls too".--Take time to really ask yourself what is it that you want.-
I'm not sure if my attraction for girls is legitimate, but i know that i don't imagine myself being an open gay. I would love to have a wife, and children. It's a dream for me, and i never liked the idea or felt any desire in stay in a relationship with a man.----I used to have this thought, because society both straight and gay, doesn't really show the lgbt community as capable of being in monogamous relationships. if they do its characterized for comedic effect, not always the case, please keeo that in mind. you can be gay and have children...honestly, it is a very real reality.
please do not think like that...please do not. As some of these guys have suggested and i will repeat. Discover yourself. We can't tell you what you should be, but you can't look and men or women through a heteronormative lense. Meaning looking at this siotuation soley on sexual attraction, of who is the man and who is the woman. But i'm not qualified to give advice, that will lend to a great discovery.
One thing i can say, never hide yourself. you can live only for yourself. we can't tell you how to live. If you still need to be discreet do it for yourself, but, it's so much better and easier living proudly. I understand if you're worried about what your family might think or do...find a way to know who you are until you're ready.
Here, one link, i hope they help. Much love
http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/comingoutadvice/a/ConfusedTeen.htm -
Hello.
Don't be ashamed if you like men.
TBH most peoples first times start with them being virgins. People who are different are generally treated like garbage. Please don't let the ignorance of others scare you or get into your mental space.
I understand your confused, but assuming that gay=effeminate is incorrect. Also to equate femininity as being not normal is not ok either. To be normal means that you are alive. That's it, because normalcy is a vague term. I will agree with what the others say, that you should really just discover yourself. It sounds that you are using societal views and stereotypes to define what your feeling. That will only make it harder, because in the end only you know who you truly are and what you want. Do not use grindr…not when your not sure about yourself. yes you might meet friends, but that site is first and foremost for hooking up, dating and friendships...in that order. Try finding lgbt friendly places, groups or events. Like PFLAG, Straight and Gay Alliences, etc. Be discreet if your not sure, by that i mean events outside of your town, if possible, or google(for lack of better input) and connect with a forum. There is so much information out there in health clinics and online, just take it at your own pace.
Guilt is common, people feel guilty when there is nothing to be guilty about. We've all been lied to that being gay is immoral. it's understandable to feel guilty when that has been repeated to us since childhood. Never feel guilty for who you are or what you like(except murder and such). Make the effort not to make it so sexual. Attraction is not all sexual...you mak like the way a guy smiles, how he smells. Try not to look at how you feel about whatever gender you feel attracted to solely through sex. its adding to the confusion. it's important to feel your way through what you're feeling, but test it on different levels, not just sexual. News flash, anybody can cum to any porn. Your hand and imagination is providing the stimulus, that the porn isn't providing, but it sounds like you have an idea anyway.
That guy is still a jerk...there are nice jerks. it sucks you lost it to someone, who didn't realize that you are more than a one night stand. it wasn't wrong or a mistake, it was a learning experience. This is why grindr is not the best thing.
I still never had sex with a girl. And i'm so confused because i'm not sure if i'm bissexual or if i'm just a gay trying to have the excuse "i like girls too".--Take time to really ask yourself what is it that you want.-
I'm not sure if my attraction for girls is legitimate, but i know that i don't imagine myself being an open gay. I would love to have a wife, and children. It's a dream for me, and i never liked the idea or felt any desire in stay in a relationship with a man.----I used to have this thought, because society both straight and gay, doesn't really show the lgbt community as capable of being in monogamous relationships. if they do its characterized for comedic effect, not always the case, please keeo that in mind. you can be gay and have children...honestly, it is a very real reality.
please do not think like that...please do not. As some of these guys have suggested and i will repeat. Discover yourself. We can't tell you what you should be, but you can't look and men or women through a heteronormative lense. Meaning looking at this siotuation soley on sexual attraction, of who is the man and who is the woman. But i'm not qualified to give advice, that will lend to a great discovery.
One thing i can say, never hide yourself. you can live only for yourself. we can't tell you how to live. If you still need to be discreet do it for yourself, but, it's so much better and easier living proudly. I understand if you're worried about what your family might think or do...find a way to know who you are until you're ready.
Here, one link, i hope they help. Much love
http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/comingoutadvice/a/ConfusedTeen.htmwhat Roro said. great advice!
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It is possible that you are confused in a certain degree.
Try to recollect that first sexual encounter you had and give it some very deep thinking about it.
Did you enjoyed? Do you want to happen again?
Do you want to make love with a woman? Does that idea fascinates you even a bit?
What arouses you the most? A topless hunk or a topless woman?
And do not feel ashamed for being gay. From what i can tell, you live in the USA. Do you know how lucky you are?
I do not know what your parents are thinking about the gays but if you have, even a small, suspision that they might give you a bad time then hide it from them.
There are some territories that even our parents are not allowed to touch if they cannot understand. It's not something harmful. You should only take the proper protections (meaning condoms) when you are going to make love until you will meet that guy who you trust completely. -
like it was stated previously, if ur confused, maybe grindr isn't the best place for u to explore. in that sense I mean that, im not sure how far the next town is, but there is usually an LGBT club, or Gay/Straight Alliance group that usually are big helps, if only to expose urself to other people who may be in the same boat as u.
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I just noticed that the author of the first post is not from USA! I apologize!
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whoops
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I forget sometimes that this site has a lot of people where English isn't their native language lol
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I would like to point out, that "online dating sites" should only be considered, if you are more experienced. There are hundreds… well thousands and more, who lie nearly about everything on these sites and what I find the worst thing is, that more than 50 percent always try to be a psychologist... oh and apart from that, you can get pretty much addicted, just like with facebook and twitter and don't even recognize it, because it gets more and more common to spend more time online, than with friends and family. :afr2:
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it's a technological age for sure.
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Sorry Dilflover1, but there is far more than only technik in life. ^^ - That's a bit too naive ( this isn't meant to insult you!!! ) - but to discuss this, I would suggest to open another thread, so that the threadstarter and his thread topic should be respected.
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I wasn't trying to change the topic or whatever. I was just commenting on last post, but whatever
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Its not like one has to go and tell family and friends, all at once.
But there's always someone u trust will understand better (my case…). So after u star telling a few close friends, things start getting easier.
Real trick comes to telling your mom/dad. I never had any girlfriends or anything, so i think my mom was like.. suspicious.. and reacted better than i thought.
U dont necessarily have to come out, as long as youre not living a lie =/
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that's pretty much how it went down for me. told a few close friends and eventually my parents.
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my partner sometimes cums to straight porn. me, never. hahaha.
I never assumed that a guy who likes straight porn is straight, though i believe that only straight guys will be turned on by female homosexual (or lesbian) porn. As a matter of fact, guys sometimes get turned on by girls kissing.
Only gay or bisexual guys will be turned on by gay porn, i think. but that's just my opinion.
I think I mentioned in my other post that i think naked girls are icky - sexually anyway. but that's just me.
Acceptance is weird in our culture. most of the time, people can talk about gay actors/actresses, gay talk show hosts, gay hairdressers, gay dance or fitness instructors without batting an eyelash. But when you talk about other people, ordinary folk who are gay, sometimes they can't accept it (especially when too close to home.) I actually grew up in a household where making fun of gay people was originally okay. much more in school where i was in a boy's school (and daaaaaaaang that was difficult since the guys around me were gorgeous, to say the least).
Having said that, yes, my "first" time was weird, but at least the guy's still my friend. he pokes fun at me sometimes about my first time. i felt so guilty afterwards (must be my religious upbringing) but after awhile i came to terms with my orientation. and i was a late bloomer (i was 27).
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Take it easy and do what makes you happy, you musn't be hurry to make a decision
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I think you are overwhelmed by what you think you must feel according to the labels gay, straight or bisexual. I think you are also confused as to what culture you relate to and what behavioural norms you relate to.
One advice is, stop thinking about what you think you must feel or be. And start accepting your feelings as yours as you experiment, don't judge them, don't think they will affect or limit your future. When there is something you would like to achieve, you will a way regardless of you having a husband or a wife.
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It was a "few" years back, I'm 51 going on 52 now. I was 19 going on 20 when I came out and hadn't even had sex or anything close beforehand. I can relate though to your confusion and the equating homosexuality with being a fem and with living someplace that's small-town-like. It's what held me up in finally coming out. I can't tell you what you should do now and I don't know the particular details of your situation, but I can tell you about myself where it sounds like we have something in common.
I probably was aware of the terms homo and fag and faggot before I knew what it meant, but I knew that it was the worst thing to call somebody. When I did find out that there was such a thing as homosexuality and gays, like you, it was equated with being feminine and wanting to dress like a woman and wear makeup and be weak and all that crap.
When I got to an age where I was beating off and fantasizing, it was always other guys that I was fantasizing about and it wouldn't be much longer that gym class involved undressing and showers and I was totally turned on by the other naked guys and fantasized about the ones that turned me on most, about sucking their dicks or making them suck mine. I'd heard that sometimes guys go through a "phase" and that's what I told myself for a while. Because whatever else, I wasn't one of "those" and also, maybe unlike you, I was a sissy and more and more I'd be taunted with being a fag and it couldn't be for those fucking assholes to be right. But by the middle years of highschool and beating of countless times a day, I never once fantasized about sex with a girl. And in trying to be "honest" with myself I must be bisexual and once I got through this phase I'd probably start being more interested in girls. By my senior year I'd told a very few friends that I was bi and I hung out with a kind of alt-geek kind of crowd so it was sort of cool.
And I had an involvement with a girl and in wanting an open and honest relationship I told her. After graduating, we both hopped the Greyhound and ended up in Seattle. We were together another year and a half and I remained monogamous and faithful to her to the end. But she was able to see the writing on the wall before I could even admit it to myself- because I still carried the beliefs of the suburban punk life I'd grown up in and I still didn't want to wear dresses and panties and walk with a flounce and limp wrist. And I didn't want to be one of "those." And I wanted to be faithful to my girlfriend. But once she left, it was time to be honest with myself, really honest this time and the fact was, though I wasn't one of "those" I was one of them. I was gay. I was sexually interested only in other men. I was completely uninterested in women. Shortly after that I came out. When I did, I did it totally: I told my now ex-girlfriend that she was right, I told all of our friends we had in common; I told the people in my apartment building that I was on a "hey-how's it going'" basis; I asked my boss if I could talk to him then told everyone I worked with. Finally I called home and told my parents.
I was lucky- or whatever's the right word- most of my friends were ok with it, didn't have any trouble with work, my Mom and stepdad were pretty sure of it anyways and my Dad asked if I thought I'd always be this way and when I said yes he told me that whatever I was he just wanted the best for me. But there were friends that wouldn't have anything to do with me anymore and some people treated me a little differently. In coming into contact with new people through work or where I lived or through my friends I'd run into folks who wouldn't give me the time of day because I was queer. Also, I've known a lot of other gay men whose parents and friends weren't accepting. But I've never had to lead a double-life since, I've never had to live in fear of someone finding out my terrible secret, and I didn't end up marrying a girl and having children and then years later come out and unravel the lives of those others.
So, if only men turn you on- brother- you're gay. But that doesn't have anything to do with how masculine or feminine you are. And if you are gay but leading people- friends especially- into thinking you're something else is lying. Like I said, I don't know what your exact situation is, and maybe coming out isn't something you can do right now, but you do have to come out and you need to put yourself on a path where you'll be in a place and situation where you can do that from. Go to the city- not just to hook up with guys (and there is that!) but to hang out in some gay areas, make some friends- or do it online for now- that you can hang out with… check for jobs and how much it's gonna cost to get an apartment or share a place with one or some of your new friends. Build a support of sorts. Because some of your friends are gonna drop you cold and I don't know what your parents are like- they might turn their backs on you. But even so, hopefully they'll come to terms with it and friends that don't realize that you are still exactly the same person you were the moment and all the time before breaking the news are probably not all that great of people to have as friends. And yes- people will talk about you- but people are already talking about you about something or other- people are always coming up with gossip about other people. It will be hard for a little while, but in the meantime you can live without being afraid that someone will find out and you'll meet more gay people and find new friends and be able to better find out who you are. Be a man. Be independent. Be free.
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