How do I know I can tell a specific friend that I'm gay?

2222

I've met a guy that is really nice towards me, and is always concerned about my well being, he is such a good friend, but the reason I started talking to him in the first place was because he is really good looking (In fact, most of the girls of my campus have crush for him). He has even introduced me to some of his girlfriends! And while most of the time I think I can be just friends with him, from time to time I dream about him and can't get him out of my head for the whole day. It's like the flames of hell burning me already! :cry2:

This more complicated that I thought. You have a crush on him, that's why make it lot harder. When feeling included, sometimes everything seem "grey". In this case, you have really really careful. Remember, "be careful what you wish for…"

I had the same situation years back. It was drive me crazy. And to be honest, thank God I didn't tell him. If I did, it would ruined everything.

hypnotec

Indeed, I would give anything to keep his friendship, he is one of the coolest guys I've met and I think he is a real friend. I wish I could stop liking him. Yes I feel bad when I don't get to see him, and that's not normal cause if I were really seenig him just as a friend I wouldn't get so pissed off whenever I don't get to see him, and knowing how good of a person he was just made my feelings for him stronger. Is there a way to get rid of such feelings? I really want him to be my best friend instead of my imposible heartthrob.

2222

@hypnotec:

I wish I could stop liking him.

Please don't. Maybe the best way to solve this is to transfer that energy (liking him) to something else that would make your bond of you together stronger but low risky hurting him, or hurting each others.

hypnotec

@2222:

Please don't. Maybe the best way to solve this is to transfer that energy (liking him) to something else that would make your bond of you together stronger but low risky hurting him, or hurting each others.

how? I could really use a good advice in this tense situation.

RobinBad

@hypnotec:

does that mean they are not my friends because my homosexuality clashes with their ideologies?

I've never considered to be a friend anyone who isn't open-minded enough, so that's not a case for me. I know for sure we wouldn't ever find a mutual understanding. As for me friendship is not about appearance - it's all about mind. Btw I'm an explicit introvert, so I'm not very concerned about the other people opinions ))

@hypnotec:

I think I can be just friends with him, from time to time I dream about him and can't get him out of my head for the whole day. It's like the flames of hell burning me already! :cry2:

That's the problem. And now I think it has nothing to do with a friendship… it is some other four letter word, like this. Be sure - falling in love with a straight guy is, maybe, the most common experience of every gay. Sooner or later it will happen. Just be prepared to live a hard gay's life. And there is really nothing to suggest.

hypnotec

@RobinBad:

@hypnotec:

I think I can be just friends with him, from time to time I dream about him and can't get him out of my head for the whole day. It's like the flames of hell burning me already! :cry2:

That's the problem. And now I think it has nothing to do with a friendship… it is some other four letter word, like this. Be sure - falling in love with a straight guy is, maybe, the most common experience of every gay. Sooner or later it will happen. Just be prepared to live a hard gay's life. And there is really nothing to suggest.

You don't get it, he is the best friend I had in a long time, I don't wanna lose his friendship, and I'm well aware that a love relationship between us is imposible, if I have a crush for him, then you're implying I can't be friends with him? That's harsh dude, specially because he is my friend before he is my crush in priority. I'm guessing you've had a lot of hard things to overcome in the past, and I admire that, there is nothing else I can say I don't wanna offend you.

Runewell

To answer your question–the best way to find out if you can tell someone or not is find out how they feel about gays. Listen to his comments about anything gay-related or gay people. See how he responds to other people when the subject of homosexuality comes up. If he seems indifferent or even mildly supportive, he may be okay to tell. Even if he isn't, if you trust him enough, go with your gut feeling. If the reaction is not what you expected, then you'll know he wasn't as much your friend as you'd thought.

I've had crushes on straight guys myself in the past. As RobinBad suggested, it's probably the most common experience for gays. In my case, my brain knew he was straight, but my desire for him clouded my judgement and made every little glance or touch he gave me seem way more important than it was. He also already knew I was gay, so I figured pretty early on that there was no way anything more could happen between us. But my crush was so strong…the way I stomped it out was to just tell him I liked him. It was embarrassing but I knew that if I did that, I'd get my direct answer and I could let that annoying little hope die. Luckily for me, he was a very polite, non judgmental and understanding guy (one of the reasons I liked him XD) and it didn't worsen our relationship. I was able to stop waiting for something to happen with him and found other people to spend time with, which took my mind off of him.

I'm not suggesting you do what I did, but you will need to ask yourself--why you want him to know this about you? Is it because you LIKE LIKE him? Or is it because you consider him a close friend and want to entrust him with an intimate detail of your life? If you like him that much, and feel that he is your best friend, you'll find a way to tell him. If your relationship is genuine, he'll find a way to accept it and you will be happy with that acceptance. It won't be easy, but it may not be as difficult as you think. Remember that your brain and heart operate differently and will give you mixed signals. It's normal to have a little hope that something more could develop between you, however unlikely it may be. Make sure that you are prepared to give that hope up.

You ARE taking a risk by telling him….but know that your friendship will be even stronger if you can tell him and he accepts you as you are.

harrisbren

I came out to my friends recently and they're ok with it. Honestly, I didn't mind the consequences whether they would accept me or not. For me, if they don't like me just for being gay, then fine - it's their loss. I'm more of a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. I hope that your friends are accepting and loving too. ^-^

ipertatos

If they love you, they should just rediscover you! One of my dearest friends told me 10 years ago, when I came out, that she felt that she has to get to know me all over again. It was the sweetest thing anyone ever told me!

harrisbren

@ipertatos:

If they love you, they should just rediscover you! One of my dearest friends told me 10 years ago, when I came out, that she felt that she has to get to know me all over again. It was the sweetest thing anyone ever told me!

That's indeed sweet. It's nice to have good friends.

ipertatos

The only friend I ever lost touch with for that reason is a straight school mate of mine… We could no longer put up with each other's life style and I do understand this.

Sigulf

By my experience, trusting your intuition is best. I had made what you'd call a "best friend" on 10th grade. We were really quick to get to know each other. We met at September for the first time, I remember I came out to him 2 months later and as I expected, he was okay with it. I was confident about his open-mindedness so I went on to even confess my kinky side and all went well.
If you aren't sure like I was in the situation above, another way is to get to hear their view on homosexuality. It's probably the safest and most effective way if you have the patience and the skills to draw his opinion out. For example, after my so-called "best friend" wanted to have more friends than just one and stopped talking to me (having me as a friend caused a lot of people to avoid him since he was hanging out with an expressionless weird guy), I started talking with another guy who at first sight seemed somewhat mature and smart, though not a great student. I managed to indirectly mention homosexuality, knowing he wouldn't resist commenting on it. His view was completely immature, could easily be related to the opinion a person from the middle ages would have and he was immensely radiating insecurity. This caused me to gradually withdraw from this person.

On side note, I experimented by telling a trustworthy, smart, but religious girl I sometimes talked to at school via Facebook. It worked well, better than I initially expected, even though she was hesitant on accepting homosexuality. It probably gave her space and time to think it over.

hypnotec

@Sigulf:

By my experience, trusting your intuition is best. I had made what you'd call a "best friend" on 10th grade. We were really quick to get to know each other. We met at September for the first time, I remember I came out to him 2 months later and as I expected, he was okay with it. I was confident about his open-mindedness so I went on to even confess my kinky side and all went well.
If you aren't sure like I was in the situation above, another way is to get to hear their view on homosexuality. It's probably the safest and most effective way if you have the patience and the skills to draw his opinion out. For example, after my so-called "best friend" wanted to have more friends than just one and stopped talking to me (having me as a friend caused a lot of people to avoid him since he was hanging out with an expressionless weird guy).

Oh that's very sad. So in the end he wasn't really your best friend because he was more concerned for his popularity than your friendship.

Bytheway, talking about my specific friend, one day I invited him to stay at my home one weekend, kinda like "Pijama party" or so. And before going asleep the first night we spent a little time chatting so I asked him about 2 guys he introduced me, that are obviously gay at first sight, about if he was still in touch with them, and this is what he told me: "actually not much anymore, you know they are gay right? Well you see, we were mates at one optional subject class, so one day we went for lunch together, and meanwhile, they kept asking me who of us you think the most pretty? And other kind of very personal and uncomfortable questions. So from that day on I do greet them when we cross paths, but nothing else." So then I asked him: so, are you uncomfortable with gay people? Then he answered: I don't know, maybe only those who are intrusive and scandalous". I really don't know what conclusions to make form that. Anyway, we spent a long time without seeing each other during summer and after vacation we cross paths in the school and he was really glad to see me, he even hugged me twice in front of many of his classmates (I must say we're not in the same grade, but he's the kind of popular and charming guy who makes friends with almost everyone) one for hello and one for good-bye. That was the sweetest thing a friend of mine has done. Something tells me I can entrust him my secret, but at the same time I'm not so sure and scared of losing him. My intuition is a bit confused.

YohioLover

@hypnotec:

It really scares me to death to loose a friend just for that. Are there any signs for knowing that?

You need to be clever in this case. When you're out point him that you think the guy across the street is gay and ask your friend what does he think about that. Also, ask him what does he think about gays in general. If you detect any sign of aggression - you better speak of it no more and keep your mouth shut.
I did that once and it turned out the guy who I thought he was my best friend doesn't deserver that title at all. He once said if he discovered I had "gone to the left" (that's a Bulgarian expression I can't translate in a better way) he would send me to the ER in a comma.

nashribeye

So I'm way late to the party with answering your question, but here's my opinion. Nobody ever knows for sure whether they can tell a specific person they're gay, because everyone has a unique reaction to the news. It could be good, could be bad, could be "Don't give a fuck", could be "I know". I say if you don't want to hide it, just tell them.

alveer

just tell him

mcmxc1983

I would not tell if it is not necessary.
Friends, family, maybe colleagues, … I will say

kagaminelen

In my country, girls acpt more than guys
don't know how it is out there
but it can be a tip…

revenger

Trynna use aleatory gay guys example to discuss wit him about dat! If u feel he's not friendly just don't tell! u don't have to tell anyone about your sexuality

tataryahoo

I never told anyone, but I'm not hiding in the closet. If they are close enough, they will know by themselves. If they don't know about me, it means they are not close enough. This topic is sensitive in some community so I don't expect to get into the awkward situation.