A Penguin Walks Into…
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A Grasshopper Hops Into…
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
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A Frenchman Walks Into…
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”
The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”
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A Dog Goes Into…
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
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A Tibetan Phone Call
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama. -
Quite a Crowd
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?” -
So a Dog Walks Into…
So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?” -
A Pig Walks Into a Bar…
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.” -
A Classic Rivalry
A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for Mr. Yankees!”The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”
Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”
“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”
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An Excellent Vintage
A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash."I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."
"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?"
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Duck in a Bar
This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
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Bar Order
Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender."Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it. -
A man walks into a bar on the 51st story of the hotel he is staying at. He sits down next to a drunk guy who says; "you know that window over there?" (points to a window across the room) "if you jump out you fly back in.
"Prove it" the guy says. so the drunk guy dives out the window and flies back in.
the guy is amazed and immediately jumps out of the window.
he falls to the ground and dies.
the barman comes out of the kitchen and says
"Superman, your a real f*ck-up when your drunk" -
A duck walks into a store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager says no, so the duck leaves. The next day the duck goes back to the same store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager says,"NO, we do not sell grapes,"so the duck leaves the store. The next day the duck goes back to the same store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager is furious now and says,"NO, WE DO NOT SELL GRAPES! IF YOU COME BACK AND ASK IF WE SELL GRAPES AGAIN, I WILL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE FLOOR! The next day the duck goes back to the same store and says to the manager,"Excuse me, do you sell nails at this store?" The manager says,"no, we don't sell nails." The duck replies,"That's good. Do you sell grapes?"
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
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A pirate walks into a bar with an eyepatch, pegleg, and hook for a hand. The bartender notices his leg, "How did you get that pegleg?"
The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a shark aboard. The shark bit my leg off!"
"Wow," replies the bartender. "What about that hand?"
The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a killer whale aboard. The whale bit my leg off!"
"Oh," replies the bartender. "How about the eye?"
The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a seagull came outta nowhere and pooped in my eye."
"And that blinded you?" asked the bartender.
"No, it twas my first day with the hook."
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A man walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. The bartender tells him they will go flat while he drinks but the man explains to him, "I have two brothers. When we all left home we decided every night we will all go to the bar and have a drink for each of us."
This man becomes a regular and orders three beers every night. But a few months later he comes in silently and orders only two. The bar falls silent. The bartender approaches him and says, "I don't mean to intrude, but I'm sorry for your loss."
The man looks puzzled at first then laughs, "Oh no! My doctor said I had to quit drinking."
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A man walks into a bar with his dog but the bartender says "You can't bring your dog into here!"
The man replies "but this is no ordinary dog. You see, this dog can talk. I'll prove it to you. What covers trees?"
The dog replies "Bark!"
He asks "What's on top of a house?"
The dog answers "Roof!"
Finally the man asks "Who's your favorite baseball player?"
The dog says "Ruth!" The bartender immediately throws them both out.
The man says "What was that guy's problem?"
The dog answers "Maybe he's not a fan of the Yankees."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra …
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A blind man walks into a bar and sits for a while with nobody talking to him. He says "Anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender tells him "Before you tell it I just want to let you know there is a cage fighting blonde on one side of you and a large blonde softball player on the other side. I'm also a blonde and I can bench 300 pounds. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Obviously not! I don't have time to explain the joke 3 times."
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