My parents want me to marry a girl

RectalTemp

I forgot to mention earlier…. that mothers generally, and secretly, already know that their son is gay... even if they say or act otherwise...

I agree, which is why I feel it's twice as unfair for them to put the squeeze on their son to pretend to be otherwise. I think it should make any young man mad enough to stand up to their parents.

unpleased

Being aware that your government says "homosexuality is never existed in your Pakistan and LGBT rights are alien concepts to the country and therefore rising from the decadent West" (Jamaat-e-Islami), if I would be you I'll take into serious consideration even the possible consequences of a coming out (even if only within your family) for your future.

I'm not saying that having a marriage right is absolutely essential, but come on fellas this is not granting marriage, it's tolerate discrimination and persecution on a part of the population just because it does not conform to the dictates, I would call this felonious.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/04/world/asia/gays-in-pakistan-move-cautiously-to-gain-acceptance.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/pakistan/1453786/Acid-attack-on-boy-who-refused-sex-with-Muslim-cleric.html

Dunno what your family is like, but given the common denominator in your area, if you don't wanna leave the country, I'll marry a casual girl and forget forever about my true self, even if it's clearly not gonna work.

Never considered to fold up your tents and get out of that unreasonable habits ? Saying "I wanna leave the country, a marriage is only a burden for me in this moment 'cause I wanna leave." is not a bad idea, and just get out of that.

Even Malala Yousafzai had to leave, no one is gonna blame on you for that.

matwlep

@idesigay:

I am from Pakistan and 26 years old. My parents want me to get marry as early as possible but I am gay. At my age my other siblings already got married and have kids. My parents expect same from me. I am extremely depression because this situation. I cant tell my parents that I am gay.. it is like impossible!

I already told my parents that i can't marry until 30 but my parents talk about my marriage 24 hours in house because i am the last child of the family and they have so many plans to make this marriage memorable. In Pakistan, usually people get marry with their cousins and there are several cousins of my age. My parents already asking me to tell that which one I like so they can approach the family and girl. They even already asked me if i want to marry someone else from family so they can approach that etc. In short, they have given me full freedom to chose bride as my other siblings did.

I am not sure what to do. I am tensed and depression all the time when everyone talk about my marriage and they want me to get marriage in coming summer 2017..

I think some of the people writing advice here are a little unrealistic about how hard it is to emigrate into a Western country. Especially from a Muslim developing country. I am saying that as someone from Europe (I now live in S.E. Asia).

What is your level of education? What type of education do you have? If you are let's say an engineer and you have some experience it might be easier for you to apply to emigrate. You might also consider Taiwan, which in my opinion is better and safer than many European countries (good-ish earning, nice weather, no macho culture, very very safe-no crime, openness for gay people).
If that is not realistic, I think you should really think very deeply about the life you want to lead. Living on your own without the support of your family can be very hard in some countries, maybe also in Pakistan? There is no one single recipe on how to lead your life in a good way. Also in the West many gay people even though they lead gay lives still are not happy. They have sex that leaves them empty, if thry want a relationship they meet guys with commitment issues. Some remain in dating for most of their lives, and do not manage to find another half. They also don't have family and children, and some of them would like to have them. There are some benefits in following your cultural background and getting married, having children, and meeting guys on the side, in secret. Many people do that. Maybe you can also find some lesbian, who also does not want a REAL marriage but would be happy to get married to you in order to have a family and children, but would ok about just being very good friends and not having a sexual relationship. Whatever you decide I encourage you to think about it very deeply and also think about your physical safety as priority.
If you can think of getting some kind education that can get you a visa to another country, where you can lead a more independent life, make plans to do it. Get your qualifications, go to university if you can, and get the best you can for yourself. That will give you options in your life!

idesigay

@matwlep:

I think some of the people writing advice here are a little unrealistic about how hard it is to emigrate into a Western country. Especially from a Muslim developing country. I am saying that as someone from Europe (I now live in S.E. Asia).

What is your level of education? What type of education do you have? If you are let's say an engineer and you have some experience it might be easier for you to apply to emigrate. You might also consider Taiwan, which in my opinion is better and safer than many European countries (good-ish earning, nice weather, no macho culture, very very safe-no crime, openness for gay people).
If that is not realistic, I think you should really think very deeply about the life you want to lead. Living on your own without the support of your family can be very hard in some countries, maybe also in Pakistan? There is no one single recipe on how to lead your life in a good way. Also in the West many gay people even though they lead gay lives still are not happy. They have sex that leaves them empty, if thry want a relationship they meet guys with commitment issues. Some remain in dating for most of their lives, and do not manage to find another half. They also don't have family and children, and some of them would like to have them. There are some benefits in following your cultural background and getting married, having children, and meeting guys on the side, in secret. Many people do that. Maybe you can also find some lesbian, who also does not want a REAL marriage but would be happy to get married to you in order to have a family and children, but would ok about just being very good friends and not having a sexual relationship. Whatever you decide I encourage you to think about it very deeply and also think about your physical safety as priority.
If you can think of getting some kind education that can get you a visa to another country, where you can lead a more independent life, make plans to do it. Get your qualifications, go to university if you can, and get the best you can for yourself. That will give you options in your life!

You are right, it does not really work in Asian culture. Specially in Pakistan, family bounding is very tight. I could not imagine to hurt my parents by leaving them for no reason. They do allow me to live alone in an other city or country if i have a valid reason like job or study but leaving them without telling a reason wont work for me at all. Meanwhile, you can live alone in other countries like America and Europe because of financial support by government where in Pakistan this is not possible.

I am also planning to get study visa to other country but in the end, i have to return back to my home

idesigay

@unpleased:

Being aware that your government says "homosexuality is never existed in your Pakistan and LGBT rights are alien concepts to the country and therefore rising from the decadent West" (Jamaat-e-Islami), if I would be you I'll take into serious consideration even the possible consequences of a coming out (even if only within your family) for your future.

I'm not saying that having a marriage right is absolutely essential, but come on fellas this is not granting marriage, it's tolerate discrimination and persecution on a part of the population just because it does not conform to the dictates, I would call this felonious.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/04/world/asia/gays-in-pakistan-move-cautiously-to-gain-acceptance.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/pakistan/1453786/Acid-attack-on-boy-who-refused-sex-with-Muslim-cleric.html

Dunno what your family is like, but given the common denominator in your area, if you don't wanna leave the country, I'll marry a casual girl and forget forever about my true self, even if it's clearly not gonna work.

Never considered to fold up your tents and get out of that unreasonable habits ? Saying "I wanna leave the country, a marriage is only a burden for me in this moment 'cause I wanna leave." is not a bad idea, and just get out of that.

Even Malala Yousafzai had to leave, no one is gonna blame on you for that.

Indeed, it is crime to be gay in Pakistan which cause 14 year of jail but there is no case has been reported ever or no one has punished in Pakistan for being by police. Getting gay sex in Pakistan is very easy and usually they are straight guys or gay guys who are married with women.

Moving to other country is indeed the best idea but moving is not that easy because of low visa rate for Pakistani nationals.

idesigay

@brianboru72:

I'm also living in a country where family pushes you to get married and can become insistent and meddling. In the end, the final solution for me was (after coming out to close friends) I worked up the courage to just flat out tell my parents that I am gay and not interested in marrying a woman. It sort of helped that by this time my younger brother had just gotten married- and my sister in law was pregnant so they were assured of a grandchild.

I know how hard it can be, but that was a turning point for me. They were not fully accepting, but they didn't reject me either. They didn't even ask me to move out. I eventually did so and found an apartment where I could live the way I wanted.

So-just to add to all the great advice you've already gotten from others- I say come out to your immediate family, if you are willing. If not, seriously try to find a job far away- in another city or country even, just to be able to live your life away from their shadow. It's not easy at the start, but it is worth all the hardship. You don't want to get into a sham marriage- it is not fair to you or the woman.

Take it one step at a time, explore job options and send in applications- as many as you can. Good luck. I hope things work out for you! Thanks for sharing your story with us. :hug:

What about you, are you going to marry a girl, if not then what are you telling your parents for not marrying a girl?

idesigay

@Pawpcorn:

…just to add the points and advice mentioned above... is that if you DID marry a woman, as in what would be a FAKE and totally false marriage, and under the situation of totally false circumstances... it would eventually be DEVASTATING to the lady, very likely RUINING her life. Many women have actually committed suicide, following the realization of what was, in reality, a sham marriage... totally in deception, humiliation and betrayal.

MOVING to a major city (where sexual freedom is much more acceptable) and taking your chances there... would seem to be the only way out of this nightmarish situation you are currently in.

I have personal experience in this, having gotten married myself... then living the hell of living out my sexual needs and search for male love, in hiding... and eventually giving up, some 22 years later, with 3 kids... to finally be with my male lover and boyfriend at that time.

It devastated my family, and my kids won't even talk to me nowadays; so many ruined lives... all for the sake of trying to comply with other's sense of "normalcy".

I too can relate to not being able to tell your family you are gay. I was well into my forties, before I could tell my mother... and I never could manage to tell my father, in his lifetime.

Today? Finally, at 66, having moved from the USA (which is VERY homophobic, don't ever believe otherwise) to Thailand... which culturally is VERY accepting of gays... to be living now, over 10 years, with my Thai boyfriend, my best friend, lover, and boyfriend of my lifetime, totally accepted and embraced by his family...

...is kind of a happy ending, to the long nightmarish existence and path I chose (in ERROR)... when deciding to marry a girl, at 22.

Advice? Don't DO a sham marriage, move to a major city, and live your life, as you feel inside, being honest to your heart and true identity... and avoid destroying countless lives, by your honesty.

Good luck on your life path.... :cheerup: :ghug: :inlove:

Hugs,
Pawpcorn

Thank you for sharing your experience. But trust me, If i would be at your place, i would probably kill myself before getting marry a girl. I can not even imagine this. I have even seen straight porn for few weeks to be straight guy but this does not work for me or you can say that its actually made me more gay.. The vagina looks too unattractive to me, even if i compare man ass with women, i would still go with man.

I know the girl my parents was me to get marry it is not force but they have asked me about my choice already and i told that I dont have any in my mind. So they have shared their choice. In short, my parents are all ready and waiting for my Yes only.. and here i am dying day by day…

matwlep

You mentioned you wanted to study in another country? That is a good idea, and if you go you don't have to come back. You can find a job in that country, which both gives you a visa and a reason to stay. Then you can keep saying you want to earn enough for a house and to support a family once you have one… Also, if you have an independent life abroad and make enough money for yourself, it gives you different standing if you ever decide to tell your parents....

brianboru72

@idesigay:

What about you, are you going to marry a girl, if not then what are you telling your parents for not marrying a girl?

Well, what I did was come out and tell them that I'm gay. It was difficult, and they weren't happy about it- but they stopped pushing me to get married. After that day, we don't really talk about it-I don't bring guys to meet them, and they don't ask about my love life.

I know it might be different for you, but if you think you and your family can handle it, I think you should consider coming out to them. For me it was worth it for the freedom I now have.

myrea

In your culture… no ... do not tell the family you are gay, get your study visa go to a nice place, get a job there and the most time you are far away from them, the more your mind will change about returning and several ideas... Do not put your life in danger and put in your head that you do deserve to be happy. Just end that fear of rejection already and leave that situation in the past.

SilentReside

I have not been in Pakistan, but how about a White Marriage? A White Marriage is a covered marriage of fake straight couples (or pretending straight couples), between a gay man and a lesbian woman who use it as a cover for their private freedom. It is a nice way to be able to live the gay life you want, but also keep your clueless family happy. Your lesbian wife will only cover you and you will only cover her, and nothing more. No shared life, no shared family plans. Just a marriage-cover.

In Greece, where homosexuality is legal and protected by the laws and constitution, sexual discrimination against gays is strictly prohibited. But even so, laws do not stop homophobia from existing in parts of the society, especially in distant, rural areas. Gays who happen to be living in small villages where societies are more conservative, often hide their sexual orientation from their parents, and an option is to move to bigger cities where life is liberal. However, for those who could not want for whatever reason, to move from their villages to cities, always have the option to seek a White Marriage, (aka find a Lesbian and make a covet marriage). This works well, and the ads for it can be found in newspapers or on internet.

I don't know how well the things in Pakistan, but perhaps you could try a White Marriage with a Pakistani Lesbian woman? However, this means your parents will have to accept and welcome a completely unknown woman in their family that is not a cousin to you, especially if your family has no lesbian women available for you in it.

unpleased

Pakistan for a girl is a very unequal country, with different conditions depending on rural/city areas, social class, financial situation.
But generally a women is subordinated to a man, and not encouraged in developing her own mindset.

Being gay is difficult for him, how is he supposed to find an open lesbian girl interested in a marriage ?
I bet there's not a marriage agency open 4 this -.-''

google is our friend :
[ [url=http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Looking-For-Marriage-Of-Convenience–-Gays-Lesbians/5287255]http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Looking-For-Marriage-Of-Convenience–-Gays-Lesbians/5287255 ]
oh yeah she is in England ! xD

Please let us know how this is gonna end ! We are with you :bighug:

QCDelights

As it turns out my best friend is an Indian woman with a similar problem, her family wants her to get married and keeps throwing guys at her all the time. In response she fled the country for 7 years to pursue her education in America (where we met). Just tell your family that you need to better educate yourself. Although with the recent election results America might not be your best option, but England has some excellent schools and Germany has free colleges you could attend to better educate yourself. Once you have a degree you never have to return home, unless of course you're a member of a royal family, in which case they will find a way to lure you back. Still you should be able to support yourself and that's all you need.

raju8219

I wonder what happened to you after so many years. I live in Europe. I have a pakistani friend who is married but gay in closet. Tries very hard to balance both his needs. wants to live a life with a man but now has two kids and wife is too controlling she know about his orientation.

fun17

@raju8219:

I wonder what happened to you after so many years. I live in Europe. I have a pakistani friend who is married but gay in closet. Tries very hard to balance both his needs. wants to live a life with a man but now has two kids and wife is too controlling she know about his orientation.

Balance?

utf16

I live in a very conservative European country. Being gay is legal everywhere in Europe, but in my region "traditional family values" prevail over basic human decency. Family bonds are praised and cherished. Homosexuality is a banned subject in public.

When I was about 9 or 10 years old, I was starting to figure out something was very wrong with the environment I was living in. I was starting to see that this permanent state of poverty and shortage of food correlated well with that "family bond" fetish. I was surrounded by families, none of which were functional, but still cherished for absolutely no reason.

The day I finished school and got the diploma, at the age of 18, I packed my stuff (a couple of books basically) and moved out to another city to study and never came back. At that time I had equivalent of 25 € in my pocket. I received almost no financial support from my "family" and during the next 3 years or so I was very dependant on State support and social security. University studies are completely free in my country.

Since the day I left, my parents played absolutely no role in my life.

Not sure if this scenario could have worked in Pakistan or in other muslim country, but it is still something to think about.

manrmen 0

@utf16:

I live in a very conservative European country. Being gay is legal everywhere in Europe, but in my region "traditional family values" prevail over basic human decency. Family bonds are praised and cherished. Homosexuality is a banned subject in public.

When I was about 9 or 10 years old, I was starting to figure out something was very wrong with the environment I was living in. I was starting to see that this permanent state of poverty and shortage of food correlated well with that "family bond" fetish. I was surrounded by families, none of which were functional, but still cherished for absolutely no reason.

The day I finished school and got the diploma, at the age of 18, I packed my stuff (a couple of books basically) and moved out to another city to study and never came back. At that time I had equivalent of 25 € in my pocket. I received almost no financial support from my "family" and during the next 3 years or so I was very dependant on State support and social security. University studies are completely free in my country.

Since the day I left, my parents played absolutely no role in my life.

Not sure if this scenario could have worked in Pakistan or in other muslim country, but it is still something to think about.

in pakistan, if a family member stains the honor of the family, they usually kill that member. It's usually reserved for girls who had sex outside of marriage, or got raped, or is seen acting inappropriately. But a gay guy in the family is also dishonor so getting outed can get you thrown from the roof or killed outright. that's why he's scared. if he gets married, then he has to have sex with his wife. if he's gay, he won't be able to do it properly.

utf16

@manrmen:

in pakistan, if a family member stains the honor of the family, they usually kill that member.

I’m not sure I agree with the word "usual" in this context. What you describe in your post is that in Pakistan every family is a mafia and a prison at the same time and is composed of pure psychopaths (and all of this literally). I am absolutely sure situations like these do happen, but they are not usual, because we’re all human beings and we’re not that different. We tend to show more respect and love to people with whom we live.

If what you say is absolutely true and that person risks his life by living at his parents, it would be insane to continue doing this. If for some reason I knew my parents were about to kill me, I wouldn’t just stand here waiting for my death. Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s completely insane to live with psychopaths.