I Think I Will Die Alone
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It's interesting that you have started this thread, and great to see others are in similar boat. I've just turned 34 not long ago, and I have hooked up with some guys mainly through online dating site or apps and also met up with guys for just coffee and chats. It definitely seems that many guys are after quick fun rather than something long term.
I have had a "kind of" relationship with a guy for a year but it was more like a friends with benefits arrangement. That was 7 years ago and since then I didn't meet anyone that I could have a relationship with. Especially with dating app these days, gay guys are getting more superficial than ever (didn't think it could get worse), just looking at someone's bio can destroy your confidence - "no one over 30, no chubs, no (ethnic groups) etc". I definitely feel your frustration that it appears no one is into you and I do get the emotional lows when not getting any replies from messaging 5 different people. But don't let that get to your heart, just move on, life is too dull to be dwelling on things you can't change, like someone said, maybe looking at changing yourself, get fit - even by just doing 10 minutes of jogging once a week; experiment with wardrobe and hairstyle; invest in yourself, learn a music instrument; learn cooking new things; try channeling those negative feelings to motivations.
We are all human and we can't force ourselves to love the ones we don't and by the same token we can't force those who don't love us to love us. Just keep an open mind and something might turn up when you least expected - on my recent trip overseas I even met up with a guy that's 23, we had a chat over dinner, then a few drinks at a strip club giggling at the stripper's dick, at the end of the night we just hugged and said good bye. Even if we didn't sleep together, just had someone 10 years younger than me asking me to catch up was a confidence boost. It also proves that just because you think you are average and unloved, it might not be that case in someone else's eyes.
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I refuse to believe that after so many years of hard work, I am always the problem. What gets me is that different people are typically into different things. Not everyone wants the fit guy, who is obsessed with going to the gym, being on crash course diets, etc. Some people like chunky guys, hairy guys, short guys, and so on. I just don't understand why I cannot fit into the middle of all this. If I see some people I am attracted to dating guys 20 pounds heavier than me, how is that an indication that I MUST lose weight to have a chance?
I am into the cute twink look, which is kind of an odd pitfall. As far as I am concerned, these guys are your average guys. They don't have long chizzled jaws, built bodies, and unbelievable style. They aren't what most people would consider to be the ideal guy. On the other hand, these guys are either extremely open minded in dating, or they (mostly) are only interested in mirror images of themselves. I can't compete with that. I'm almost 32, and will never look like that no matter how hard I try. Heck.. I don't even I even looked that way when I was 10 years younger.
It's nice to see that I am not the only one dealing with these issues. Though most of you at least get hook ups or friends with benefits. I get none of that.
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You are definitely NOT the problem and there is nothing wrong with the way you look as long as you are comfortable in your own skin, some people wants to lose weight and some people wants to gain weight, it's all personal choice.
Although twinks are actually one of the more "popular" (and I am using that term loosely) types people go for, as you would be able to tell with the number of twink videos on this site. You are right people tend to go for types of guys that are similar to themselves, I found this to be true especially in twinks and gym fit guys. Having said that everyone is into different things, there are younger guys looking for slightly older guys, maybe you can look for dating sites that caters for that or keep trying.
You are certainly not alone with this issue, and I hope you will find something sooner whether is a once off or something more a long term. Like I said I know that awful feeling you are going through, and I genuinely believe you will find someone you like
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"You're not alone." I can tell you that, and I tell myself too. Not just me, but my straight friends have the same situation as you have. I've never dated before and I don't understand why it is so difficult just to find one. I feel upset about not being able to find a date sometimes, but I have works and other activities to keep me busy so I don't feel that bad and sometimes I really enjoy my life like this too. I learn one thing from this "you cannot choose to be single but you can choose to be happy".
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find some other things to do, to distract yourself of thinking like this… talk with friend.. even get drunk..LOL.. no matter what you do , just keep yourself busy and happy.. :cheers:
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A few pictures of me throughout the years.
At 25
At 30
Today
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well i will give you my advise on this im 24 i had only one serious relationship,it doesn't matter how many time you've been in a relationship what it means and worth is the people you get emotionally with. in gay scene looks does matter but its not everything trust me, me myself i see a lot of hot guys around me who's been single like for ever its about luck and finding the right person to be with, from what i see you're not a bad looking guy! you just need to change of your style like for example you can lose the glasses or change the style. fix your teeth, try to change of your hair style, start working out all of these will change of how you feel about yourself and your energy and i'm sure or actually i promise it will reflect and have a great change on your self-steem and the percentage of rejections. good luck
oh yeah and try to grow a beard -
What people don't realize is that I am okay with my style. To me it is comfortable. My glasses, not a lot can be done about that. I was born with cataracts in both of my eyes. I can get contacts, but I have in the past, and it is incredibly uncomfortable. Fixing my teeth costs thousands of dollars that I don't have. And well.. I can do something about the weight, but is 20 pounds honestly the reason why I have not had a date for the past 10 years?
Lets get real. A person should like me for me. If that is not the case, I can deal with the rejection. The fact that no one my type has been okay with me seems a bit odd.
Think about the magnitude you are talking about. "Fix this.." "Fix that..". Then I am no longer the person I actually am.
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Me with a beard a year ago.
I did a Stanley Cup series beard instead of a playoff beard, because my beard grows in too quickly (I'm a big hockey fan).
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There's more to you than just your looks (and honestly, you're probably a lot better looking than you think). There ARE people who will see that. I'm sorry you haven't found someone like that yet, but you will. There are 7 billion people in this world, not all of them are superficial.
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Yeah,
I'm going to be real with you.
Focusing on you're looks is not everything but it will help massively. The thing is that most of the change will be internal and as you feel more comfortable and confident it will show.So yes, I am going to say spend the energy on looks but do it for yourself.
Start first with fitness and health. You will feel like a new person, I guarantee it.yes, get the contacts (I'm sure you will find some comfortable ones eventually) or laser eye. Or some glasses that don't have the "magnfy effect"
and yes sort out the teeth (that maybe more of a long term goal but it should be on the cards.)The
gayworld is crazily visual.
If you do take my advice the first thing I will say is not to go to a gym witha goal of looking better. That shit rarely works. Train like an athelete. Book and pay for a run/ obstacle course with plenty of time (4-5 months) the goal is then to get your body ready for the challenge then.
The changes will be a side affect. -
In other words I'm fucked unless I spend thousands of dollars that I don't have.
I might as well just kill myself. You know.. I obviously don't mean anything to any guy now, so it's not like they will miss me. They can go on dating and loving all the people they would even with me here.
I'm not being literal. I'm just saying that I might as well. What's the point? I'm not good enough as I am, yet most people can just be themselves and get dates. You are telling me to be something I am naturally not. That's fucked up.
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You look cute to me. And the top of this video looks like a trasgo and is fucking a really beautiful guy: https://www.gaytor.rent/details.php?id=ec3884596f2176c45e073a10737251be48eeca610c1c35cf
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Have more optimism and confidence my friend… from the way you are typing, I feel your pain, but I will not allow you to dwell and bring urself down any further. Move on, adapt, and find joy in the things or thoughts that don't give you such a hard time
Perhaps, learn to love urself first?I totally feel yah' and I'm rooting for your success!!
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HI guy, I was born with cataractas in both eyes too. Now I have intraocular lentilles and my glasses are thin. My visión is better. You can´t operate your eyes?
In my experience. You have to improve your self esteem. You have to love yourself. Gay people in gay scene are very superficial. If you want a superficial partner, go to gym, to hairdressed, etc… If you want a guy who stay with you, I think is better to go yo LGB associations, for example
Sorry for my English
HUGS -
**Self esteem is the key!!
;)**
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In other words I'm fucked unless I spend thousands of dollars that I don't have.
I might as well just kill myself. You know.. I obviously don't mean anything to any guy now, so it's not like they will miss me. They can go on dating and loving all the people they would even with me here.
I'm not being literal. I'm just saying that I might as well. What's the point? I'm not good enough as I am, yet most people can just be themselves and get dates. You are telling me to be something I am naturally not. That's fucked up.
No. I'm not saying anything like that.
I will give a bit of an explanation based on myself. I'm okay looking- not runway model but decent enough that I am not nervous. I recently got into pretty decent shape. It was an unintentional side effect of training towards an obstacle course.
I never imagined I would be a guy that people would describe as gym rat. It still feels bizarre but the thing is I am still me.
"changing who you are"- That is complete nonsense. If you gain 1kg you willl still be insert name the same counts if you loose 5kg.You shouldn't be so bothered by being alone. I am alone atm and will probably remain so for the next two years. I am not bothered in the slightest and neither should you be.
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There is quite a bit of a misunderstanding here. Do I personally like how I look? I don't at all. The reason being isn't due to esteem as much as it is due to me not feeling attractive.
Lets examine that for a moment.
I feel that I am an intelligent guy, who not only has a lot to say about the world, but despite all the rejection I have had in my life, I have quite a lot that I can contribute. I can carry conversation on a wide range of topics from music, sports, life events, some psychology, etc. I even have the ability to take on a creative outlook, which makes me a lot of times unique compared to other people.
My physical presence is where the problem is. I hate the fact that I am hairy. I hate the fact that I was born with the visual disability. I hate that my teeth aren't in the best shape, And yeah.. I dislike that I am a few pounds heavier than I should be, but it really isn't something that is a main concern of mine.
The bottom line is : I like myself if it weren't for the fact that I look like what I do, and not like the people I find attractive. Now, I'm not trying to make excuses, or even put blame on others, but I almost think this isn't my fault. Over the years I have been rejected by guys so much, and see that those I want to be with only flock to others that look exactly like them, that I almost feel like I need to be that cute, smooth, younger twink to look good. Obviously that is not reality, but in my universe no guy has ever thrown me a bone. No one has shown me that someone I am physically attracted to CAN find me physically attractive.
I am 32 years old. No change is going to make me look the way that these guys do. And if that was an option, it would be so altering that I would no longer be me. I would be shaved down, plastic, and almost awkward. So what am I supposed to think? You cannot tell me that I should be okay with being single, just because most of you are okay with it. You have had sex before. You have had relationships. I have not. I'm sorry.. there is a completely different feeling involved. And when you are getting older and uglier, while those you are attracted to are staying younger and cute, the chances of a healthy relationship becomes more and more unobtainable.
I have to start thinking "either I commit suicide or find a way to accept that I'll never be in love". Two very dramatic things that are somewhat reality, because if no guy is going to give me a chance, how would I know any different?
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Everyone dies alone, that's to begin with. And if you think getting laid or finding romance is difficult now, well, Andrew Marvell said it first:
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.Those two front teeth could be better, and the haircut really is a problem, but I think the glasses are just fine. Note that several others hereabouts have a problem with those specs, so obviously it's in the eye of the beholder, just like your long hair. No one else has had a problem with yr teeth, but the truth is, a smile makes everyone look more attractive, and smiles are free– at least outgoing smiles, that like love, you can't really give 'em away "because you keep on getting more."
Some people think dudes your age are automatically fairly attractive even without exercise. Was surprised to see lots of torrents on this site about fat people, which some find attractive, even though sex with them might involve a swift round of "find the sausage" first. One of the hottest men I ever knew, still under 30, has a serious gym workout schedule and thinks someone very much older who weighs more than twice what he does is exactly the quintessence of blazing heat and maddeningly irresistible sexual allure. He is not his type at all. Go figure.
Confidence is sexy. Period. Having the "gift of gab" is helpful for any social interaction. Smile and listen. Listening is devastatingly attractive and highly unusual. Still, it is nice to have a an ability for amiable casual conversation, and like most things, that comes from practice. One of the most popular and successful men I know used to go to gay bars and enjoy being chatted up, then move on to talk with someone else. He was not there to hook up or be picked up or to get his ashes hauled (ah, these common vulgarities!), but to have a fun time with attractive men in an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance.
There are lots of social groups available even without a specified gay component-- politics, religion, continuing education, volunteer work are all things that can make one more socially adept and comfortable as well as directing one's attention outward toward others rather than inward.
Why so pale and wan, fond lover,
Prithee, why so pale?
Will, when looking well can't move her,
Looking ill prevail?More wisdom from yet another poet. Some people find a well-filled mind attractive and stimulating. Also, that makes me think of amateur theatricals, which usually need volunteers for everything from costumes to ticket-tacking, performing, and ushering. In the U.S. there are all manner of discussion groups, from high IQ Mensa to a nationwide "meetup" organization that arranges for informal get-togethers for the atheists, liberals, athletic fans.... Libraries often have free classes, as do many other groups, so an interest in languages or cooking or joining a book club for reading and chatting in person (not to overlook online activities, of course) can be an entry point.
On a much more basic level, Craig's List and others will tell you about private gloryholes, and there are sites locating public (dangerous?) gloryholes for "cottaging" and "tea rooms." There are also still saunas aka bathhouses, and a visit to your nearest adult bookstores might be helpful if all you want is to poke for fun. Does not even require the price of a cam or a Skype connection.
Personally, I've always loved the story of the man who published an advertisement for Queens, Druggies, and Chubs-- "no serious replies, please." Met a whole host of fascinating and wonderful people. And nowadays it is easier than ever to meet rentboys online without having to visit unknown neighborhoods.
So there you have several options. You can amend your appearance, become more socially active, or just seek direct "meaningless" sex. You may not think anyone will ever want you to fuck them, but you are certainly wrong about that. To the extent you think you are not good enough, etc. no one else can help with that because no one else is causing that issue, though they may help you validate that viewpoint. Try looking for evidence to the contrary. Do you have a job? A roof over your head? These are not signs of people who have failed the fundamentals of survival. What would it feel like to give yourself more credit?
Someone I know walked into a gay bar once, looked around, and memorably heard himself say (not out loud, but in these exact words inside his head), "There's nobody here but us losers." That was an instant Aha! moment he will take with him to his grave. Where, as previously stated, he will die, like everyone, alone.
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I'm 6 foot and still under 200 pounds. I wouldn't consider myself "fat". I just have a few pounds I can lose.
All those things you mentioned, I honestly have no interest in. I am in the process of on my own casting a reality TV show, helping a group of people reformat a podcast, and I also have my current retail job. If I go out it is to have fun, not do volunteer work, build stages for a theatre production I could care less about, etc. I do go on the meetup sites, but the events and people attending don't interest me.
The gift of gab thing is correct. The issue becomes that this is a chicken or egg situation. How am I supposed to execute the gift of gab, when guys won't even give me the chance to have casual conversation? I don't receive replies on dating sites. I also am almost walked away from at bars. How can I showcase anything of who I am if never given the opportunity?
Your comment about chunky guys is basically the frustration I expressed earlier in the thread. I understand that I'm not the best looking guy. But I have seen guys I am attracted to with guys that I believe look a lot worse than I do. If it actually comes down to personal preference, rather than you having to be a specific type for a specific type, why is it that after 10 years not one person I have approached has found me attractive? Statistically it doesn't seem to add up.
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