What else would I need in my time zone, where it's drink o'clock...

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really upset, but not as much as the other people in the elevator.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's interesting how many people bring a knife on a date.

My friend surprised me on my birthday with a book called "Road kill recipes". I did find some roadkill the other day, so I tried a recipe, and it was delicious. I'm not sure what to do with the bicycle though.

I took away my ex's wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back to me?

My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for him. Finally he’ll experience what rejection is really like.

I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital for a gunshot wound, and I got my hunting license revoked.

I've been missing my ex a lot. I really should check the accuracy of the laser sight.

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand disinfectant. The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand disinfectant anymore.

You're horrible.

That's the nicest thing anyone said about me this week.

Those are fine additions, eobox.  On my list, I usually put my favorite at the end – the one that's the most twisted, lol...   :afr:

I trust I followed your rule.

My grandfather didn't see that well, which explains why he fell into it.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming in horror like the people riding in his car.

Most accidents happen in the home...so for heaven's sake, don't drive your car in the house.

My mechanic said I should use more lubrication, so I asked him to bend over the car so we could try it out.