Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard?
The grass tickles their nuts

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?

A big shout out to sidewalks… Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Everyone's middle name should be "Motherf*ckin". Try it. Doesn't it sound so great?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Someone should open up a restaurant called "I don't care". Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriends always talking about

Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!