Twas a month before Christmas
    From my boyfriend came the wail,
    "Take out the garbage
    And go get the mail."

So I trudged to my mailbox
    And what did I see?
    Why, a miniature disc
    And computer CD!

'Twas a limited offer
    From America Online,
    I knew in a twinkling
    That this deal was fine!

"Unlimited" access
    for one little fee,
    And if I didn't like it
    I could cancel it free.

So I plugged the thing in
    And it just wouldn't load,
    The message said "Error!"
    And something in code.

And this is when I
    Started getting real nervous
    So I waited four hours
    For "Customer Service."

This techno-geek helped me
    To load and install it,
    Then demanded the VISA
    I keep in my wallet.

So I gave him my number
    And what did I spy?
    "Terms and Conditions" screens
    Whistling by.

Then I got me a password
    Now I'd surf the Net!
    But I never hit waves,
    Man, I never got wet.

I soon got so mad
    I was shaking and dizzy
    For my modem kept trying
    But lines were all busy!

And all through the month
    I kept trying this thing
    But all I would hear
    Was the "busy" sound ring.

So I called 1-800
      And the AOL number
    And waited on hold
    'Til I lapsed into slumber.

So I tried then to cancel
    But where's the address?
    Somewhere in Virginia?
    It's anyone's guess.

And several days later
    I heard on the news
    That 8 million people
    Were trying to use

This AOL network
    At the very same time
    And that's when this CEO
    Weasel-necked Slime

Announced the solution
    On how to log on,
    Don't hog the phone lines
    And call in at dawn!

As you can imagine
    This didn't sit well
    With lots of mad users
    Who started to yell.

And soon the AG's
    Joined them in the attack,
    "Give them their money
    (Or at least part of it back)!"

And this Weasle-Man leader
    Tried to calm down the throng:
    "Hey, I wanted those refunds
    For you all along!"

So in grandiose fashion
    And a big press release
    Members were told
    How to get back their piece.

"Just call up this number
    And ask for your money,"
    But then something happened
    That's practically funny.

When you call up the number
    (Don't get in a tizzy)
    You can't get your refund
    Cause the damn number's busy!!!