-If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
      assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
      raise.

-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
      so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
      raise.

-If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
      therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
      We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
      If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
      Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
      Saturdays and Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
      This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
      dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made
      to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases
      where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
      scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
      work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
      Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
      strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the
      three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
      retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
      After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
      company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
      Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
      company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
      -Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,
      so that they can look healthy.
      -Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
      to maintain their average figure.
      -Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
      needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
      positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
      concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
      insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
      consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
      Pass this on to all who are employed.